TERRIFFIC

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Okay, I'm stretching the rules here because "Terriffic" is his middle name, but what a great middle name it is.

Even better, they couldn't even spell it correctly!

"Terriffic" gets a 5.0 because it's not outlandishly creative, but it is incredibly stupid.

HASSIAN

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"Hassian" AKA "Hassan Shakur" went out in a hail of bullets just like that other "Shakur" guy.

The fact that "Hassian" sought to Islamicize his name tells me he wasn't down with what The Negronomicon stands for. Having said that, at least The Negronomicon is still standing, and indeed still able to stand. "Hassian" isn't doing too well on that front, apparently.

"Hassian" gets a 1.5 on the Negronometer.

SENECA

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"Seneca" is apparently Native American in origin, but it was also the name of Roman Emperor Nero's tutor, around the time Christ walked the Earth. Now it's an African-American name too.

It's kind of ironic, not to mention downright spooky, that "Seneca" is off to jail because he murdered a lady who was Indian (dots not feathers...a tenuous connection, I know, but stick with it!), and did so by stabbing her in the back multiple times, which is the same way Roman Emperor Caesar got punked out. It seems those who skip history are doomed to repeat it...sort of.

"Seneca" is getting a 0.0 on the Negronometer because two cultures had already beaten his parents to it, and thus it's hardly a very inventive name. Plus stabbing a middle-aged woman in the back must be the ultimate bitch move.

From a purely Negronomological perspective, it's interesting to chart this new trend in Latin/Roman influenced names, what with "Seneca" here and previous Negronomicon standout "Octavius". How soon before I am writing an entry in The Big Black Book for someone called "D'Cimus Maxxximus"?

ZSVONTARIO

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"Zsvontario" is going to take some beating. It is quite possibly one of the most outstanding examples of negronomenclature I have ever witnessed and indeed shall ever witness. Simply breathtaking. He may very well be the only "Zsvontario" walking the face of the Earth. I can't believe two different sets of parents could come up with a name like that, not even in an infinite-monkeys-with-typewriters hypothetical scenario. It is nothing short of incredible.

Had he not copped a 45 year sentence for fatally shooting someone, we might never have heard of him. Such are the margins.

"Zsvontario" is getting a 9.5, 0.5 deducted because "Ontario" is a pre-existing name, but the addition of "Zsv" certainly puts a whole new spin on it. Had his parents just gone with a "La/Da" prefix, I truly believe this one could have gone off the scale.

Take note, people...this is how it's done for real. Now, who's going to name their child "Da'Montrealius"?

TELIA, SHARDAE, and SHOLONDA

This is the ELEVENTH guy they paternity tested to find out 'who beez ma baby daddy?'.

When you stop to think about it, it's pretty easy for the person in the street to figure out the rough date of conception to within a couple of days or so either side (let's be generous and say a week in total). Which then beggars the question as to exactly how many guys she was having unprotected sex with within that timeframe for there to be this many possible fathers?

"Telia" gets a 5.5 because she's a stank ho but she gave her babydaddy-less baby the pleasingly negronomical name "Shardae"

Of course, as shocking as this may seem, they have had a ho on the Maury show who tested 17 different guys.



Again, if 17 failed the test, that means she slept with at least 18 guys within the timeframe. "Sholonda" must have been banging multiple guys on the same day!

"Sholonda" gets a 4.0 because she named her babydaddy-less baby 'Kayla', which is far too mundane. Perhaps she thought a less negronomical name might help to prevent her her daughter from making the same mistakes she made? I sincerely doubt it...if you're that much of a failure as a human being, then it stands to reason you're not going to be much of a parent either.

CORTEZ

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"Cortez" comes from Spanish (meaning it's another lame cop-out name like Antonio, Ricardo I and Ricardo II) and can mean either 'courteous' or 'court dweller'.

Something tells me our "Cortez" is the latter type. After he gets done dwelling at the court, he'll then go on and dwell at the nearest jail for a few decades.

"Cortez" gets a flat out 0.0 on the negronometer. Stealing Spanish names hardly requires any skill, finesse or creativity, does it?

OCTAVIUS

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"Octavius" originates from Latin and means "the eighth". I kind of get the feeling that "Octavius" would have been buying an eighth (of an ounce) of something improper had he succeeded in his nefarious scheme.

Sadly, he got capped by the homeowner.

You have to wonder whether "Octavius" really has (at least) 7 other siblings, or whether his parents gave him the name "Octavius" because, like the Crazy 88 in 'Kill Bill' (who don't actually have 88 members), they thought it sounded 'cool'. You know, like a conquering Roman emperor and all that.

Indeed, if he does have 7 siblings, what are the odds they all share the same father? Slim to none would be my guess!

I'm giving "Octavius" a 1.25, as something like "Octavion" would have been so much cooler, plus on a 10 point scale, 1.25 is an eighth. How's that for appropriateness?