ANITRA

SOURCE: CBS Local Atlanta

Not much to say about this one, other than sometimes, life imitates art.

The Hypothesis:

The proof:

Patricia Hicks, mother of 18-year-old Anitra Hicks, tells WTOC-TV that her daughter thought she was having a bowel movement when she was actually giving birth in the bathroom.

A. Wyatt Mann is clearly some sort of prophet, communicating through the medium of images.

Anitra is only getting a 0.5 on the Negronometer. A distinct lack of effort went into this one.

PS: To any female readers who might be suffering from the same condition as Anitra, let me just say that if you are unable distinguish between your pussy and your asshole, then might I respectfully suggest that your feminine hygiene routine might be slightly less than adequate.

ANTWUN, CLETA, and JEVONTAI

Antwun beez dead, yo.

SOURCE: News OK

The Oklahoma Pharmacy shooting, also known as "The Jerome Ersland case". This guy is a hero, even though he has been imprisoned. Ersland's "crime" was to deliver the killshot to a would-be robber...in politically-correct fantasyland, I'm guessing you're supposed to allow wounded assailants the chance to get up and attack and kill you, (or let them escape so they can come back and finish you off at a later date, thus leaving no witnesses).

Jerome Ersland. Other than two co-workers, how many other lives did he save?

Sorry, but the rule is "Put them down and take them out".

There's a saying that holds that it is better to be judged by 12 (jurors) than carried by 6 (pallbearers). Jerome Ersland can still get a pardon, but Raymond Ferguson, Jennifer Mejia, Bryon Sheffield, and Jamie Taccetta (the victims of David Laffer in the Haven drugstore shootings) can never get a pardon, nor can their loved ones, because they are dead and gone forever.

If I'm going to be in a pharmacy that is being robbed at gunpoint, I sure as hell hope that one of the employees or customers is a Jerome Ersland type of guy. Who knows, perhaps one of the Haven victims was "A Jerome Ersland type of guy" before Jerome Ersland was sentenced to life imprisonment. New York's gun laws aside, I hope this case won't have a 'chilling effect' on people defending themselves against armed criminals with lethal force.

Negronomically speaking, Jevontai is golden, and whilst Antwun is a pretty disappointing 'Antoine for retards' kind of name, I'm pretty sure it looks good on a tombstone. The Negronometer is giving a cumulative 8.0 for this sorry lot

ALEEK and DONTA

SOURCE: Philly

Yet more TNB and Negronomical gold. No photos as yet, but I'm keeping a lookout.

Working on The Negronomicon is a thankless task, but at least I have job security.

I'm giving these two 4.5 each on the Negronometer. We've already had a Donta before, and Aleek is nothing special, just mildly stupid, but that's still a damn sight smarter than its' owner.

AQUADEA, DEBRIA, IVHAN'E and SHAMARRA

SOURCE: FOX8

Pesky neighborhood kids keep intruding upon your lawn, or bumping into your car? Don't chastise them or threaten to complain to their parents, just shoot the little bastards!

That's what Charles DuBose (above) did.

This has been a Public Service Announcement on behalf of the Black Community.


Moral of the story is: Keep off the grass, kids. Or get capped.

Negronomiconically, this one rates a solid 10.0 on the Negronometer...quality and quantity, with a side order of TNB to go. What's not to love?

ASHANTI, AALIYAH, CHAZMIA, DECORY and SHACARA

SOURCE: PIX 11

Nothing too fancy here...Shacara (above) got beat down by a gang of fellow Negronomenclatually-gifted females, with names like Decory (wtf?) and Chazmia (which for some reason make the word 'Chlamydia' pop into my head).

What raises this little spat above the level of your everyday TNB scenario is the weapon used to inflict the damage...a padlock wrapped in a sock and swung at the victim (henceforth known as the 'Lock 'n' Sock')...straight out of the penitentiary playbook

I really do have to get to work on that Negronomified version of Clue that I was planning, don't I?

Anyway, I'm giving this incident an 8.5 cumulative score on the Negronometer, as it has a good mix of quality and quantity.

ANFERNEY and ANFERNEE

Anferney


Anfernee

SOURCE:True Crime Report

What's in a name? Anfernee is a multi-millionaire basketball player, whilst Anferney is a juvenile rapist. Maybe if Anferney had gone by a nickname like 'Penny', he would have stayed on the straight and narrow, or perhaps have gone on to become a professional basketball player himself, and therefore not a rapist, because we all know that professional basketball players are incapable of raping women.

Ain't that right, Kobe?

I'm giving both variations a 1.5 on the Negronometer...when a name is so lame that you would prefer to go by a girl's name (Penny, short for Penelope), it's just not going to carry much weight here at the Negronomicon.

ANDRAE JHAKOR SKI'RON

SOURCE:M Live

Okay, let me just say I was in two minds whether or not to include 'Andrae' as it is a lazy attempt at Negronomifying an existing name...you wouldn't even know it was different unless you saw it written down.

However, once we get past this initial disappointment, it's solid gold from here on out. Picture the scene:

INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE

ENSIGN BLOGGS: Most of the dignitaries have already beamed aboard Captain.

CAPTAIN SMITH: Who's left?

ENSIGN BLOGGS: Just the Triluvian Ambassador...he's beaming over now.

(Triluvian Ambassador materialises in Transporter Bay)

TRILUVIAN: I am Jhakor Ski'ron, Ambassador of Triluvia.

CAPTAIN SMITH: On behalf of the United Federation of Planets, I welcome you aboard
the Starship Enterprise.

TRILUVIAN: Yo, where da Vulcan women be at?

Andrae falls into the 'not to sharp, but fond of sharp objects category', and it looks like his penchant for stabbing people could earn him a scholarship place at NU, where sticking things inside people against their will is a daily occurence, especially in the showers. He should love it!

I'm giving him a 9.0...it would have been 10, but I had to knock a point off for 'Andrae', I'm afraid.

AMIRI

SOURCE: Orlando Sentinel

It's ironic...as I typed 'Amiri' into Google to look up the story, the suggestion that got offered was 'Amirite?', the concatenated bastardisation of 'Am I right?'.

Fact is, he's about as far from right as you could hope to be, which is to say he (and his accomplices) are just plain wrong.

As Negronomenclature goes, 'Amiri' is just so bland...the addition of a needless 'D' to make 'D'Amiri' could have made all the difference, but it was not to be. Still, it's relatively easy to spell, which I guess is a good thing as I'm not getting a 'rocket scientist' vibe off of him.

'Amiri' gets a 1.5 on the Negronometer. I dare say he'll get more when it comes to sentencing though.

Here's hoping.

JAKARIS, AVION & MASTERSON

SOURCE

'Jakaris' just gone and got himself a lifetime full-ride scholarship to NU, majoring in Applied Negritude. He's going to 'held back a year' every year, for the rest of his life, until he is made 'good'.

I'm not a mathematician or economics buff, but surely it would be cheaper just to have Jakaris and his pals made 'good' straight away?

'Jakaris' can have a 5.5 on the Negronometer. It does the job, but not much more.

'Avion' is French for 'Aeroplane', which is ironic, because 'Avion' himself sung like a bird and got his homies those all-important NU scholarships. Seems like he was more interested in walking than flying, and thus embraced the stoolie mantra 'those who talk, walk'.

'Avion' gets a 5.5 too...the addition of a D or L with an apostrophe could have made all the difference.

Finally, we have 'Masterson', who be da 'babydaddy' of one of these fine young NU freshman. Reading his testimony to the court, one gains a startling new insight into the 'absent negro father' phenomenon and the logic behind it.

'Masterson' asserts he left his kids because he was doing crack cocaine at the time and didn't want them to be around him (cynics may suggest it was in fact the exact opposite...he just didn't want to be around them) or be a bad influece on them.

It's an interesting sociological hypothesis...deprived of a Negro role model from which to learn behaviors from, will Negroes be more or less inclined to Negritude or 'TNB'?

Well, if you believe that taking a baby fox away from parental influence and putting it in a hen house will result in it clucking, pecking grain and laying eggs, then yes.

If, on the other hand, you believe the fox will revert to type and you will have a whole bunch of dead chickens, then the answer is a resounding 'No!'.

Unfortunately, despite ample evidence to the contrary, the 'Masterson Poindexter Theory' is still embraced by various liberals around the globe.

'Masterson' gets a 6.5 on the Negronometer. It's not a particular outstanding example, but the fact that his name is attached to one of the key theorems of Negronomology makes it significant.

DEANDRE JAVONT, DEMARCUS ANTWAIN, JIMMON LEEDARRENTE AND LAZARO

SOURCE



"Deandre" is your common-or-garden negronomenclature, whereby the adding of a totally superfluous La/Le/Da/De prefix to a pre-existing name gives it that extra little touch of Negronomical creativity, like "Dejohn" or "Latanya". Of course, points must be deducted for the failure to 'pull a LeVar' or add an apostrophe for "DeAndre" or "De'andre".

Still, his momma has made up for this Negronomical faux pas by pulling out a doozy for the middle name with "Javont". "Javont" is one of these totally sui generis Negronomes which has no meaning other than to signify to people reading the newspaper that the owner of said name is African-American.

One thing I will say about "Deandre"...I don't know if he can play bass, but he sure does a passable impression of one! That guy's head must be at least 20% lip!

Deandre gets a 3.5 on the Negronometer.



Much the same can be said for our second contestant "Demarcus", which covers much the same ground as "Deandre". However, "Demarcus" trumps "Deandre" in the middle name stakes as he drops the bomb with "Antwain". It's just like "Antoine", which is often Negronomicized to something like "Antwan" or "Antwon(e)", yet I believe the the pronounciation is probably nearer to "An-twayne". It's clearly a creative masterstroke in the field of Negronomology as we know it.

I'm giving him a 4.5



Both "Demarcus" and "Deandre" pale in comparison to our third contestant, "Jimmon Leedarrente". First off the bat, "Jimmon" is another totally nonsensical negronome just like "Javont". It sounds like one of those stupid "Sh'mon" noises Michael Jackson used to make, back when he was alive. Seriously, grab your balls, but on a sequinned gloved and try it..."Jimmon! Hee-Heee! Ow!".

Again, it's in the middle name where the money is. "Leedarrente". Just pause for a second and ponder the awesome and transcendant negronomicality of this name.

I'm guessing that the "Lee" part isn't intended as a superfluous "Le" with an extra "E" added for creativity, but I could be wrong. My hypothesis, as an avid amateur Negronomologist, is that "Jimmon" was the subject of what's known as "Baby Mama Drama", and his mother decided to err on the side of caution and give him a name that referenced both of the potential babydaddies, namely "Lee" and "Darren". Where the "Te" part comes in, I don't know. Perhaps a third possible babyfather? Or just a trademark Negronomical flourish to give the name that little something extra?

I'll guess we'll never know, and to be honest, I can't say I'm that bothered about finding out.

"Jimmon Leedarrente" is a solid 9.0 on my Negronometer.

Last but not least, we have "Lazaro", the middle name of the poor unforunate victim of the above Negronomically-blessed individuals. "Lazaro" brings to mind the story of "Lazarus", but as far as I am aware, this guy hasn't come back from the dead yet. Indeed, if he did, they'd probably have to release these guys from prison, so it's probably best for society at large that he stays dead and buried.

One dead and a bunch in prison sounds like a fair enough trade to me, but one in prison and a bunch of 'em in the grave would make better fiscal sense in the long term. Funerals are generally cheaper than long-term prison sentences, after all.

ARSSEI

SOURCE

"Arssei" has extenuating circumstances for his name...he actually is from Africa (Ethiopia, to be precise). Man, I bet Bob Geldof is feeling so proud right now. If it wasn't for Live Aid, "Arssei" might have died from malnutrition or disease before he ever got the chance to come to a civilized country and murder a white girl.

Sadly, he didn't have any extenuating circumstances to explain away the murder of Natalie Novak, and thus another brother is condemned to rot in jail.

I blame whitey.

"Arssei" gets a 0.0 because murdering white women isn't cool. Keep him in mind next time they're rattling the collection tin for starving Africans.

ARMANI

Maury Povich paternity test shows provide a rch and diverse source of non-traditional negro nomenclature (or "NNN" as we call it here at The Negronomicon), so much so that at certain times it is like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Armani" is getting a flat out 0.0 score, simply because it accurately reflects the time and effort that went into naming him. "Armani"(and sound-alike variations thereof) seems to be a popular choice with the kind of bottom-feeders who inevitably end up on these shows. How long until one of them breaks the mold and calls their kid "Vuitton"?

ANTONIO CHANCE

SOURCE

First things first: As African-American names go, "Antonio" is a cop-out for people who kind of want a name like "Anthony" but want it to end in a vowel, which seems to be one of the recurring themes or "rules". It's much like Scrabble in that respect, only requiring much less intelligence to play. God alone knows how many points the utterly superfluous apostrophe or "LeVar" arbitrary capitalization is worth in this hypothetical word-game.

Anyhow, turns out there are in fact two guys named "Antonio Chance" out there. One of them (the murderer who killed Cynthia Moreland) has been certified as mentally retarded, whereas the other one (the rapper) is just plain retarded (although as yet uncertified to that end) for adopting the name of a retarded murderer in the sadly mistaken belief that it is in fact "edgy" or "cool", and that by extension he will thus be so to.



Mere coincidence, perhaps? What are the "Chances" of that, I wonder?

Well, it's no coincidence that they're both scoring 0.0