DAUNTE

SOURCE

It is absolutely spooky, I tell you!

After examining the previous sad cases of Dionta and Deonte, and arriving at my universal theory and formula for automobile-related negroid larceny, I now bring you the sad story of "Daunte", another name from the exact same genus as both Dionta and Deonte.

Let us examine the facts:

1) Negro. Check
2) Name variation. Check
3) Automobile related (Car park). Check
4) Criminal shenanigans (The Police already had a mugshot of him). Check
5) Morgue or Jail (Morgue). Check

Again, my formula has been proven to be 100% correct. It's nothing short of uncanny!

Remember: n(d)+c+a=FAIL
(n=negro, d=deontay or variation thereof, c=criminal activity, a=automobile, FAIL=death or incarceration)

"Daunte" gets a 5.0 just for proving my theory. Who's next?

ARSSEI

SOURCE

"Arssei" has extenuating circumstances for his name...he actually is from Africa (Ethiopia, to be precise). Man, I bet Bob Geldof is feeling so proud right now. If it wasn't for Live Aid, "Arssei" might have died from malnutrition or disease before he ever got the chance to come to a civilized country and murder a white girl.

Sadly, he didn't have any extenuating circumstances to explain away the murder of Natalie Novak, and thus another brother is condemned to rot in jail.

I blame whitey.

"Arssei" gets a 0.0 because murdering white women isn't cool. Keep him in mind next time they're rattling the collection tin for starving Africans.

ARMANI

Maury Povich paternity test shows provide a rch and diverse source of non-traditional negro nomenclature (or "NNN" as we call it here at The Negronomicon), so much so that at certain times it is like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Armani" is getting a flat out 0.0 score, simply because it accurately reflects the time and effort that went into naming him. "Armani"(and sound-alike variations thereof) seems to be a popular choice with the kind of bottom-feeders who inevitably end up on these shows. How long until one of them breaks the mold and calls their kid "Vuitton"?

LATARIAN and VIKKITA

Strike One:



Strike Two:



Strike Three:



Strike Four:



It's a bonafide twofer here with two members of the same family. "Vikkita" sounds like a combination of "Vikki"(a shortened form of "Victoria"), which is Latin for "Victory" and "Nikita", which originates from the Greek language and means "Unconquered".

Sadly, it seems the unconquered and victorious "Vikkita" was thoroughly defeated and conquered by her seven year old grandson "Latarian", because she stood in the way of him and the negro ambrosia, A.K.A. fried chicken.

"Latarian" doesn't sound like anything else, except maybe a Toyota coupe that never made it off the drawing board. For a seven year old, young "Latarian" is racking up an impressive record...grand theft auto, assault, psychological evaluations. Lord help us if he ever manages to lay his chubby little hands on a working firearm.



I'm going to give them a cumulative score of 10.0 between them, as this is exactly the sort of thing The Negronomicon was set up to study

RICARDO II: NEGRO BOOGALOO

SOURCE

Another negro called "Ricardo", and another one that's off to jail. What an incredible coincidence!

If you look carefully at the above picture, you can see that "Ricardo" is wearing a glove to handle the firearm and thus leave no fingerprints, so there's absolutely no way for the police to connect him to the firearm.

Other than the photo which clearly shows both a) him handling the firearm and b) his face, that is.

It's like one of those '/fail' or 'Demotivators' pictures that are doing the rounds, only it needs no caption to explain the inherent irony and outright stupidity contained therein.

Again, just like the previous "Ricardo", this one's getting a 0.0 too.

DEONTE

SOURCE

"Deonte" is from the same genus of names as earlier Negronomicon standout "Dionta".

From reading the sad, sad stories of these two fine upstanding gentlemen, a pattern has become apparent which I have boiled down into this handy formula:

Negroes called "Deonte"(or variations of the name thereof) + criminal activity + automobiles = One way ticket to the County Morgue/Jail.

or:

N(D) + C + A = FAIL

So remember, if some guy called Diontae offers you a ride, just say "NO!"

I'm giving "Deonte" a 0.5, although I should point out that I have deducted points for the fact that a) he carjacked a 91 year old b) he had to hit said 91 year old 21 times c) he's crying like a little girl about how scared he is in prison.



In terms of gangsta street cred, struggling to physically dominate a frail nonagenarian must score some serious rep. Not.

Credit where credit is due though, "Deonte" must have seriously rung that old guy's bell, because in the video you can see he is still clearly suffering from the effects of the beating, at one point becoming delusional and suggesting (as if it were somehow a remotely realistic possibility) that "Deonte" go to school, get a job, learn a trade and 'work for a living'. I've seen people tripping balls on LSD spew out acid-addled gibberish that still made more sense than what he's saying.

Negroes. School. Jobs. Work?! Utter madness, I tell you!

Quite clearly, "Deonte" is African-Americanese for "limp-wristed little pussy". One thing is for sure, he'll make a handsome wife or "prison bitch" for some lucky man...or men. Perhaps other inmates, having heard of his less-than-legendary prowess, will be curious as to whether he will be able to "make the old man go down" in 21 blows or less? Something tells me our boy is going to get ample opportunity to find out!

RODELL

SOURCE

"Rodell" is apparently African-Americanese for "horse molester".

I'm giving "Rodell" a 4.5, as whilst it's not the most out-there name in terms of creativity, it's the kind that lets you successfully guess the ethnicity of offender in a newspaper article when they don't show pictures of the offender, thus circumventing the politically-correct MSM trick of showing the victim instead of the perpetrator, just like the above article. That's why we love those unique and utterly distinct black names here at The Negronomicon!

ORENTHAL

Apparently, "Orenthal" is a Hebrew expression meaning "pine tree".

It's also an anagram of "...Then Oral", which is probably a very significant phrase in O.J.'s daily prison life, most likely heard directly after the demand for "Anal...".

I'm giving "Orenthal" a 4.0. Something like "L'Orenthalius" would have been so much better. All it takes is a little effort, people!

TIMON

SOURCE

It's like "Simon" with a "T".

Or is it like "Timothy" with an "n" instead of a "thy"?

Maybe in an alternative reality, he would have been called 'Simothy' or something?

Again, throw in a "La" or pull a "LeVar" and you could jazz this up to a more snappy-sounding "LaTimon".

As it is, "Timon" sounds like "Tie 'Em On", which in turn sounds like something the relatives of the guy he killed would like to do to Timon's limbs...tie 'em on to the back of a pick-up truck and put the pedal to the metal over some country backroads.

Sorry, but this is another 0.0 on the creativity-o-meter for me.

HARRIS FAULKNER

It's like he's got two first names, and she's got two surnames. Between them, they could make two normal-sounding names, like "Jon Harris" and "Scott Faulkner"

I used to think that the retarded trend of giving your child a first name that sounds like a surname was limited strictly to only the most pretentiously-preppy parents out there, but lo and behold, it seems black folk are succumbing to the lunacy too.

Harris would be a halfway passable name for a guy (still pretentious), but for a girl? Surely you'd want to give your daughter something evocative, mellifluous and altogether feminine, rather than saddling her with a moniker that makes her sound like either a brokerage house, insurance company, investment bank, law firm or upscale department store?

Harris Faulkner, Faulkner Harris, Anderson Cooper, Cooper Anderson, Harris Anderson, Anderson Harris...it's just so random and interchangable. Who here hangs out with people with names like Goldman Sachs, Price Waterhouse-Cooper, Neiman Marcus, Guthy Renker? Or Sachs Goldman, Cooper Waterhouse-Price, etc, for that matter?

This is another 0.0 strikeout in terms of creativity. Come on, how much better would 'Shaniqua Faulkner' sound?

RICARDO

SOURCE

First it's "Antonio", now it's "Ricardo". What's with all the Latin-influenced names all of a sudden? Will the trend suddenly change at some point in the near future and result in a swathe of black people called "Yoshihiro" and "Takeshi"?

Like "Antonio Chance", "Ricardo" also murdered a white woman (or "mudshark" as all the cool kids are calling 'em). Unlike "Antonio Chance, he's yet to score the retarded rapper stage name tribute, but it's only a matter of time, I feel. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't buy a CD from a guy calling himself "Ricardo Da White Ho Killa"?

Still, it's the name we're most concerned with here, and I'm sorry but this is another 0.0 on the creativity-o-meter. Must try harder, dammit!

ANTONIO CHANCE

SOURCE

First things first: As African-American names go, "Antonio" is a cop-out for people who kind of want a name like "Anthony" but want it to end in a vowel, which seems to be one of the recurring themes or "rules". It's much like Scrabble in that respect, only requiring much less intelligence to play. God alone knows how many points the utterly superfluous apostrophe or "LeVar" arbitrary capitalization is worth in this hypothetical word-game.

Anyhow, turns out there are in fact two guys named "Antonio Chance" out there. One of them (the murderer who killed Cynthia Moreland) has been certified as mentally retarded, whereas the other one (the rapper) is just plain retarded (although as yet uncertified to that end) for adopting the name of a retarded murderer in the sadly mistaken belief that it is in fact "edgy" or "cool", and that by extension he will thus be so to.



Mere coincidence, perhaps? What are the "Chances" of that, I wonder?

Well, it's no coincidence that they're both scoring 0.0

VORNELIUS

SOURCE

Well, what can you say? "Vornelius" is just like "Cornelius" with a "V" instead of a "C". It's hardly indicative of the sort of the customary creative flair and characteristic inventiveness of the sort of African-American nomenclature that we've become somewhat accustomed to.

Maybe it's supposed to be a combination of "Vaughn/Vaughan" which means "little" in Welsh and the Latin-originated name "Cornelius" which means "Horn"?

Hmmm...you know, if your folks gave you a name that meant 'little horn', and knowing the kind of sexual inadequacy-related jokes that you would most certainly be the inevitable butt of, you could almost understand why Vornelius got so pissed off that he had to kill one person and attempt to kill another.

Almost.

Alternatively, it could have been the uncomfortably close proximity of his own name to that of the character "Cornelius" played by Roddy McDowall in Planet Of The Apes that set him off...

...black people generally hate being compared to apes, but you'd have to say this guy's parents were totally asking for it. Short of calling him General Ursus or King Kong, there's not much more they could have done.

This, coupled with the small-penis-suggestiveness of his name's meaning, could possibly go some way as to explaining why he became the seething mass of pent-up homicidal rage that he did.

Possibly.

Anyway, to recap:

1) Don't give your offspring a name which suggests sexual inadequacy
2) Don't give your offspring a name which recalls a popular simian character

I'm giving Vornelius a 3.5, as despite being resoundingly unimaginative, the (hopefully) unintentional belly laughs provided by this one certainly pushes it up a few notches. Heck, if they'd added the prefix 'La', I might have even given them a 4.0

By the way, 'Little Horn' apparently has some sort of Biblical/Satanic significance too...now that is downright spooky!

Literally.

CHEYENNE

SOURCE

As creative African-American names go, "Cheyenne" is an epic fail.

As a name in and of itself, "Cheyenne Cherry" is both stupid and alliterative, meaning it sounds like the alter-ego Stan Lee might give to one of his lamer characters. It also brings to mind some sort of retarded ice-cream flavor that Ben & Jerry might try to foist upon an unsuspecting American public.

Frankly, if I was a member of the Cheyenne tribe, I'd start legal proceedings to have her name forcibly changed. Sure, Native Americans may have raped, killed, and scalped a few people in their time, but when have you ever heard of them roasting a defenseless kitten in the oven?

Her folks couldn't even be bothered to throw a completely superfluous apostrophe in there or phoneticize it to something like "Shai'yen".

With parents that lazy and inattentive, it's no wonder she turned out to be the shining example of unrepentant kitten-roasting humanity that she is today.

Cheyenne gets a 0.0, simply because if I started giving out minus numbers, I'd have to give her minus infinity cubed or something because my opinion of her is so low as to defy accurate measurement.

DIONTA

SOURCE

"Dionta" seems to be a variation on "DEE-ON-TAY", which itself has numerous spelling variations.

In this instance, I think it's safe to say that "Dionta" means "Fashion Victim" in African-Americanese. He should have heeded Barack Obama's words of wisdom: "Brothers should pull up their pants!".

Perhaps Dionta could be the posthumous poster child for Barack's pants-pulling-up campaign, with Plaxico Burress (another high-profile victim of the loose pants/self-injury via accidental firearm discharge phenomenon that is currently preying on the African-American community) filling in as the spokesperson.

Liberals will no point the finger at the gun manufacturers here and seek out a further tightening of America's gun laws, but if you ask me the only thing that needs tightening here is waistbands and belts.

Sadly, it seems the moral of this story is that if you can't operate a buckle on a belt correctly, then you probably aren't going to be able to operate a safety on a gun properly either.

Still, bonus points must be given out for pulling a "LeVar" on the middle name "RaShad".

I'm giving "Dionta" a 4.5

LAMOUNT

SOURCE

At first, "Lamount" seems kind of like a lazily-Anglicized version of "Lamont".

The name "Lamont" is apparently taken from Old Norse and means "Law Man", whereas you could be forgiven for thinking it came actually from French and meant "The Mount". As it is, "Lamount" means neither of these things, so you are free to come up with your own unique meaning for it.

For a truly African-Americanized version, his parents should have gone with an apostrophe for "La'Mount", or pulled what's commonly known as a "LeVar Burton move" and capitalized the "M" for "LaMount". Just because they can. Or could have, had they actually taken the time to think about it.

Either way, on a ten point scale for creativity, I'm giving Lamount a measly 2.5

Welcome!

This blog exists to celebrate the unique creativity of black people in coming up with new and inventive names for their children.