VOLLIE

SOURCE: Arlington Cardinal Vollie beez dead, yo. He stole a car and crashed it, and somehow managed to separate his head from the rest of his body. According to the news report, the head was left lying on the sidewalk uncovered for five hours...guess it must have taken a while to notice it in the dark. Vollie gets a 1.5 on the Negronometer. Just lacks any of that real creativity needed to propel it into the big leagues.

VERNELL

SOURCE: Riverfront Times

Vernell looks to be yet another uniquely-monikered beneficiary of a full ride scholarship to NU. He done stabbed his woman over two dozen times, cut her up, then dumped her body in a bin and glued it shut. Unsurprisingly, his crime was quickly discovered, and Vernell was spotted on a security camera buying the bin and glue at 'Wall Mark' (or 'Wal-Mart', for those of you unfamiliar with Ebonics).

Obviously, forward planning, like anger management and impulse control, is not his strong suit.

Vernell gets a mere 2.0 on the Negronometer...it just have that quality which raisess it above the mundane.

Word is Vernell could get the lethal injection...is that some new-fangled euphemism for some good ol' fashioned man-on-man jailhouse lovin', or what?

LATARIAN and VIKKITA

Strike One:



Strike Two:



Strike Three:



Strike Four:



It's a bonafide twofer here with two members of the same family. "Vikkita" sounds like a combination of "Vikki"(a shortened form of "Victoria"), which is Latin for "Victory" and "Nikita", which originates from the Greek language and means "Unconquered".

Sadly, it seems the unconquered and victorious "Vikkita" was thoroughly defeated and conquered by her seven year old grandson "Latarian", because she stood in the way of him and the negro ambrosia, A.K.A. fried chicken.

"Latarian" doesn't sound like anything else, except maybe a Toyota coupe that never made it off the drawing board. For a seven year old, young "Latarian" is racking up an impressive record...grand theft auto, assault, psychological evaluations. Lord help us if he ever manages to lay his chubby little hands on a working firearm.



I'm going to give them a cumulative score of 10.0 between them, as this is exactly the sort of thing The Negronomicon was set up to study

VORNELIUS

SOURCE

Well, what can you say? "Vornelius" is just like "Cornelius" with a "V" instead of a "C". It's hardly indicative of the sort of the customary creative flair and characteristic inventiveness of the sort of African-American nomenclature that we've become somewhat accustomed to.

Maybe it's supposed to be a combination of "Vaughn/Vaughan" which means "little" in Welsh and the Latin-originated name "Cornelius" which means "Horn"?

Hmmm...you know, if your folks gave you a name that meant 'little horn', and knowing the kind of sexual inadequacy-related jokes that you would most certainly be the inevitable butt of, you could almost understand why Vornelius got so pissed off that he had to kill one person and attempt to kill another.

Almost.

Alternatively, it could have been the uncomfortably close proximity of his own name to that of the character "Cornelius" played by Roddy McDowall in Planet Of The Apes that set him off...

...black people generally hate being compared to apes, but you'd have to say this guy's parents were totally asking for it. Short of calling him General Ursus or King Kong, there's not much more they could have done.

This, coupled with the small-penis-suggestiveness of his name's meaning, could possibly go some way as to explaining why he became the seething mass of pent-up homicidal rage that he did.

Possibly.

Anyway, to recap:

1) Don't give your offspring a name which suggests sexual inadequacy
2) Don't give your offspring a name which recalls a popular simian character

I'm giving Vornelius a 3.5, as despite being resoundingly unimaginative, the (hopefully) unintentional belly laughs provided by this one certainly pushes it up a few notches. Heck, if they'd added the prefix 'La', I might have even given them a 4.0

By the way, 'Little Horn' apparently has some sort of Biblical/Satanic significance too...now that is downright spooky!

Literally.