DEANDRE JAVONT, DEMARCUS ANTWAIN, JIMMON LEEDARRENTE AND LAZARO

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"Deandre" is your common-or-garden negronomenclature, whereby the adding of a totally superfluous La/Le/Da/De prefix to a pre-existing name gives it that extra little touch of Negronomical creativity, like "Dejohn" or "Latanya". Of course, points must be deducted for the failure to 'pull a LeVar' or add an apostrophe for "DeAndre" or "De'andre".

Still, his momma has made up for this Negronomical faux pas by pulling out a doozy for the middle name with "Javont". "Javont" is one of these totally sui generis Negronomes which has no meaning other than to signify to people reading the newspaper that the owner of said name is African-American.

One thing I will say about "Deandre"...I don't know if he can play bass, but he sure does a passable impression of one! That guy's head must be at least 20% lip!

Deandre gets a 3.5 on the Negronometer.



Much the same can be said for our second contestant "Demarcus", which covers much the same ground as "Deandre". However, "Demarcus" trumps "Deandre" in the middle name stakes as he drops the bomb with "Antwain". It's just like "Antoine", which is often Negronomicized to something like "Antwan" or "Antwon(e)", yet I believe the the pronounciation is probably nearer to "An-twayne". It's clearly a creative masterstroke in the field of Negronomology as we know it.

I'm giving him a 4.5



Both "Demarcus" and "Deandre" pale in comparison to our third contestant, "Jimmon Leedarrente". First off the bat, "Jimmon" is another totally nonsensical negronome just like "Javont". It sounds like one of those stupid "Sh'mon" noises Michael Jackson used to make, back when he was alive. Seriously, grab your balls, but on a sequinned gloved and try it..."Jimmon! Hee-Heee! Ow!".

Again, it's in the middle name where the money is. "Leedarrente". Just pause for a second and ponder the awesome and transcendant negronomicality of this name.

I'm guessing that the "Lee" part isn't intended as a superfluous "Le" with an extra "E" added for creativity, but I could be wrong. My hypothesis, as an avid amateur Negronomologist, is that "Jimmon" was the subject of what's known as "Baby Mama Drama", and his mother decided to err on the side of caution and give him a name that referenced both of the potential babydaddies, namely "Lee" and "Darren". Where the "Te" part comes in, I don't know. Perhaps a third possible babyfather? Or just a trademark Negronomical flourish to give the name that little something extra?

I'll guess we'll never know, and to be honest, I can't say I'm that bothered about finding out.

"Jimmon Leedarrente" is a solid 9.0 on my Negronometer.

Last but not least, we have "Lazaro", the middle name of the poor unforunate victim of the above Negronomically-blessed individuals. "Lazaro" brings to mind the story of "Lazarus", but as far as I am aware, this guy hasn't come back from the dead yet. Indeed, if he did, they'd probably have to release these guys from prison, so it's probably best for society at large that he stays dead and buried.

One dead and a bunch in prison sounds like a fair enough trade to me, but one in prison and a bunch of 'em in the grave would make better fiscal sense in the long term. Funerals are generally cheaper than long-term prison sentences, after all.

DONESSA

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"Donessa" fell foul of the wrath of three scorned mudsharks. They superglued his dick to his belly. That's just asking for the "Nicole Simpson" treatment.

Fortunately, "Donessa" already has a girly-sounding name, so if they have to amputate, he'll be all set.

"Donessa" gets a 3.5 on the Negronometer. Part of me feels sympathy for him, because I know that a girly-man name like "Donessa" is the kind that would attract a lot of teasing at school. Fortunately, the other part of me knows he probably never went to school anyway, so it's a dead issue.

"Donessa" is also a child molester...maybe they glued his dick to his belly to protect local kids? That's what I'd be telling the judge, anyhow...

TRAVARIS

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"Travaris" is African-Americanese for vehicular homicide.

"Travaris" gets a 5.0 on the Negronometer. As soon as you see the name, you know he's black. That's how we like it.

TYKEZA, MONISHA, TI'ESHIA, OMIR, JAMAIYAH, and TA'MARION

My God...it's Negronomenclature Nirvana up in this joint!!!

This gets a 10.0 cumulative score...you simply can't top stuff like this.

BOUBACAR and CARNELL

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"Boubacar" is a proper African name, but it just sounds so funny. I'm giving it a 3.0


"Carnell" is an African-Americanese original, kind of like Negronomicon standout and erstwhile horse buggerer "Rodell". I'm giving "Carnell" a 4.5 for the same reason I gave "Rodell that score.

"Carnell" didn't have sex with a horse. Neither did "Boubacar" (that we know of...I wouldn't put it past either of them, to be honest). However, they did kill some people, so they're off to prison. Oddly enough, it's not going to be a new experience for either of them.

OMARRIAN

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"Omarrian" is a pretty good one. It's like his folks wanted a traditional North African name like "Omar" but then couldn't resist the urge to "Negronomify" it.

Sadly, like his impulse-control deficient parents before him, it seems "Omarrian" likewise couldn't resist his urges (to murder and rob people), so he's now rotting in jail.

"Omarrian" gets a 4.5 as it just seems a little bit run of the mill in terms of Negronomenclaturic creativity.

TERRIFFIC

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Okay, I'm stretching the rules here because "Terriffic" is his middle name, but what a great middle name it is.

Even better, they couldn't even spell it correctly!

"Terriffic" gets a 5.0 because it's not outlandishly creative, but it is incredibly stupid.

HASSIAN

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"Hassian" AKA "Hassan Shakur" went out in a hail of bullets just like that other "Shakur" guy.

The fact that "Hassian" sought to Islamicize his name tells me he wasn't down with what The Negronomicon stands for. Having said that, at least The Negronomicon is still standing, and indeed still able to stand. "Hassian" isn't doing too well on that front, apparently.

"Hassian" gets a 1.5 on the Negronometer.

SENECA

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"Seneca" is apparently Native American in origin, but it was also the name of Roman Emperor Nero's tutor, around the time Christ walked the Earth. Now it's an African-American name too.

It's kind of ironic, not to mention downright spooky, that "Seneca" is off to jail because he murdered a lady who was Indian (dots not feathers...a tenuous connection, I know, but stick with it!), and did so by stabbing her in the back multiple times, which is the same way Roman Emperor Caesar got punked out. It seems those who skip history are doomed to repeat it...sort of.

"Seneca" is getting a 0.0 on the Negronometer because two cultures had already beaten his parents to it, and thus it's hardly a very inventive name. Plus stabbing a middle-aged woman in the back must be the ultimate bitch move.

From a purely Negronomological perspective, it's interesting to chart this new trend in Latin/Roman influenced names, what with "Seneca" here and previous Negronomicon standout "Octavius". How soon before I am writing an entry in The Big Black Book for someone called "D'Cimus Maxxximus"?

ZSVONTARIO

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"Zsvontario" is going to take some beating. It is quite possibly one of the most outstanding examples of negronomenclature I have ever witnessed and indeed shall ever witness. Simply breathtaking. He may very well be the only "Zsvontario" walking the face of the Earth. I can't believe two different sets of parents could come up with a name like that, not even in an infinite-monkeys-with-typewriters hypothetical scenario. It is nothing short of incredible.

Had he not copped a 45 year sentence for fatally shooting someone, we might never have heard of him. Such are the margins.

"Zsvontario" is getting a 9.5, 0.5 deducted because "Ontario" is a pre-existing name, but the addition of "Zsv" certainly puts a whole new spin on it. Had his parents just gone with a "La/Da" prefix, I truly believe this one could have gone off the scale.

Take note, people...this is how it's done for real. Now, who's going to name their child "Da'Montrealius"?

TELIA, SHARDAE, and SHOLONDA

This is the ELEVENTH guy they paternity tested to find out 'who beez ma baby daddy?'.

When you stop to think about it, it's pretty easy for the person in the street to figure out the rough date of conception to within a couple of days or so either side (let's be generous and say a week in total). Which then beggars the question as to exactly how many guys she was having unprotected sex with within that timeframe for there to be this many possible fathers?

"Telia" gets a 5.5 because she's a stank ho but she gave her babydaddy-less baby the pleasingly negronomical name "Shardae"

Of course, as shocking as this may seem, they have had a ho on the Maury show who tested 17 different guys.



Again, if 17 failed the test, that means she slept with at least 18 guys within the timeframe. "Sholonda" must have been banging multiple guys on the same day!

"Sholonda" gets a 4.0 because she named her babydaddy-less baby 'Kayla', which is far too mundane. Perhaps she thought a less negronomical name might help to prevent her her daughter from making the same mistakes she made? I sincerely doubt it...if you're that much of a failure as a human being, then it stands to reason you're not going to be much of a parent either.

CORTEZ

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"Cortez" comes from Spanish (meaning it's another lame cop-out name like Antonio, Ricardo I and Ricardo II) and can mean either 'courteous' or 'court dweller'.

Something tells me our "Cortez" is the latter type. After he gets done dwelling at the court, he'll then go on and dwell at the nearest jail for a few decades.

"Cortez" gets a flat out 0.0 on the negronometer. Stealing Spanish names hardly requires any skill, finesse or creativity, does it?

OCTAVIUS

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"Octavius" originates from Latin and means "the eighth". I kind of get the feeling that "Octavius" would have been buying an eighth (of an ounce) of something improper had he succeeded in his nefarious scheme.

Sadly, he got capped by the homeowner.

You have to wonder whether "Octavius" really has (at least) 7 other siblings, or whether his parents gave him the name "Octavius" because, like the Crazy 88 in 'Kill Bill' (who don't actually have 88 members), they thought it sounded 'cool'. You know, like a conquering Roman emperor and all that.

Indeed, if he does have 7 siblings, what are the odds they all share the same father? Slim to none would be my guess!

I'm giving "Octavius" a 1.25, as something like "Octavion" would have been so much cooler, plus on a 10 point scale, 1.25 is an eighth. How's that for appropriateness?