The Negronomicon

TYREE

2012-02-08T05:35:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: Daily Mail

Tyree murdered a homeless guy with an axe, then proceeded to eat his brain and eyeball.

I'm guessing the local KFC/Popeye's/Church's must have been closed?

Disappointingly, the eyeball apparently tasted like an oyster, thus ruining the slew of 'tastes like chicken' cannibal jokes I was preparing to unleash upon this article.

Whilst the crime itself is shocking, the Negronomenclature is pretty much bog-standard, thus it only merits a 2.0 on the Negronometer.

THABERI

2012-02-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: The Sun

Thaberi likes to punch pregnant women in the stomach whilst robbing them. This is the sort of wonderful diversity that is enriching towns up and down the UK. What a shame nobody punched Thaberi's mother in the stomach while she was pregnant...who knows, perhaps someone did, and that's why he's the way he is. However, we here at the Negronomicon know better...he is the way heis becaudse he is the way he is. Negronomenclature and TNB go hand in hand.

I'm giving Thaberi a -10.0 on the Negronometer. Vermin, nothing more, nothing less.

JAKADRIEN and JOHNESSA

2012-02-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: Daily Mail

Can't understand why people are so shocked about this story. I mean, if YOU were lumbered with a moniker like 'Jakadrien', and had to live within the African-American 'community', wouldn't you choose to change your name and emigrate? Of course you would...even black people don't want to live with black people.

Jakadrien stayed true to her roots by lying and playing the system to get her free flight to her dream destination of....Bogota, Colombia. Go figure. I guess a Third World country ravaged by drugs and violence would be considered a step up when compared to your average 'hood.

Her mother Johnessa (no mention of her father in the article...hmmmm) is dumbfounded. Given that Jakadrien is now apparently pregnant, perhaps she thought that putting some geographical distance between her family and herself would serve to break the hereditary curse of Negronomenclature, which evidently runs strong in this family. If Jakadrien is successfully deported back to the States to have her baby, I'm predicting another entry in the Negronomicon under 'J'.

This one gets an 8.0 on the Negronometer.

THURMAN

2012-02-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: Phoenix New Times

"And they called it puppy love...Oh, I guess they'll never know"

The TNB just keeps on coming. This one is so rich that even dingbat leftist-liberal news sources found it hard to resist.

Thurman is a guy who doesn't do things by half measures...having pulled his johnson out (Strike one: Indecent Exposure), he then proceeds to attempt to forcibly throatfuck a puppy (Thus racking up bestiality and sexual indecency with an animal charges). Not content with this, Thurman goes in for the coup de grace by telling a nearby nine year old child watching the spectacle that '"[I'm going to] do this to you" if the kid didn't stop staring at him.'

Truly a winner. Not so much on the Negronometer, which is only giving him a 2.0, but definitely the sort of guy you'd want to have enriching your community and adding diversity to it. I'd bet the folks over at the Phoenix New Times would rather a hundred Thurman McGriffs living permanently in their community than Sheriff Joe Arpaio or a visiting David Irving. Strange.

LADMARALD

2012-02-08T04:41:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: WISN

"You know what I am? I'm your worst fuckin' nightmare, man. I'm a nigger with a badge" -Reggie Hammond (Eddie Murphy) in '48 Hrs.'

Back in the day, the police used to protect women from rapists. Now, thanks to 'progress' and 'diversity', the police are the rapists. It's 'Muh Dik!' in uniform.

Ladmarald (or is it 'Lamarald'? Sources differ) beez the cop who 'got it twisted' and mistook 'Protect And Serve' for 'Subject To Perve'.

Criminal behavior aside, hows about that Negronomenclature? It's a giveaway alright. Perhaps in the future, when frightened young women make 911 calls, they will be allowed to ask the names of the officers who will be attending?

'What's that, ma'am? An armed lunatic in your house threatening to kill you? Well ma'am Officer Seamus O'Reilly is about 20 minutes from your location, or we have Officer De'shwaunteezius Jefferson who is 5 minutes away.

You'd prefer to wait for Officer O'Reilly? Okay, ma'am.'

Ladmarald gets a 8.0 on the Negronometer.

DEZHUAN and DERRIN

2012-02-08T04:09:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: CBS News

Now, this might seem like going out on a limb here, but I'm adding these two WITHOUT having seen mugshots.

I'm sure the more delusionally liberal amongst our readership will doubtlessly be outraged by this...after all, the news report makes no mention of any of the suspects being black...yet I feel confident enough to it.

Why, you may ask? Simple. I am a qualified Negronomolgist, and as such can spot Negronomenclature from a mile off. When you couple the presence of Negronomenclature with the other factors (location, use of the media codewords 'teens' and 'youths', and the TNB that took place) it is absolutely certain that these perps are in fact black.

I'm not psychic, I don't have an inside man down at the local police precinct, but I am a qualified Negronomologist and a race realist. Believe me when I tell you that Negronomology is poised to become THE hot crime-prevention science of the next few decades...it will make that Pre-Crime jazz in 'Minority Report' look Stone Age by comparison. Remember, you heard it here first.

I'm giving these two doofuses a perfect 10.0 on the Negronometer, because these names do exactly what a good Negronom should do, namely alert the reader/listener to Negroes without the need for visual confirmation.

If I'm wrong on this, I'll happily eat my hat...but let's face it, I'm not wrong, am I?

Pictures to follow as and when they become available.

LETRELL & SANTONIO

2011-12-30T15:41:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:ABC Action News

By now, you must have seen the wild scenes which erupted as hordes of 'teens' and 'youths' tried to get their hands on a pair of the new Limited Edition Nike Air Jordan Concordes. Black people beez taking footwear seriously, even if it is made in some Vietnamese sweatshop by a barely-literate eight year old for the cost of a few cents.

Allegedly, the victim here stole shoes from her killers...sounds plausible to me. Other than the fact that they most likely would not have fit her, and that if she didn't steal them from the feet of her killers-to-be, she must have got them from somewhere else where there were probably more valuable items to be had, it strikes me as completely logical. Homeless people, are, of course, experts in valuable footwear, and know precisely which ones to steal for the most money.

Anyway, our two heroes dispensed justice by beating the woman to death. Way to go, guys! Hopefully a long spell at NU is in their futures, where nobody steals shoes because everyone has the same, prison-issue kicks.

I guess we should thank our lucky stars that Nike does not enter into a contract to supply limited edition 'Death Row' Air Jordans, otherwise we'll have an unprecedented wave of murders as 'youths' and 'teens' try to secure their very own pair of questionable sports shoes.

Negronomically speaking, Letrell is pretty average, but Santonio sounds like a condensed version of San Antonio...it's all kinds of stupid. That's why I'm giving these clowns a 6.5 on the Negronometer. Hope you like slip-ons boys, because there's no shoelaces where you're going!

JACQUETTA

2011-12-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Daily Mail

Yet more violence at the Wal-Mart (or 'WallMark', as they say in Ebonics) with a Negronomenclaturial twist. Jacquetta punched out a 70 year old female employee who had the temerity to ask to see her receipt.

Classy lady.

I'm giving her a 0.0 on the Negronometer. It's not a particularly negrified Negronome, but she makes it work. However, she is also clearly a violent, subhuman savage with an attitude problem, so no rating for her.

MARKESHIA, JASMAINE & NAKISHA

2011-12-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

Markeshia

Jasmaine

Nakisha...fugly all day!

SOURCE: WZZM13

It's a hat-trick. A trifecta of turd world rejects busy enriching your local mall with that wonderful 'diversity'. No need to pepper spray the poor Loss Prevention lady though...exposing an armpit would probably have had the same effect.

Still, this case gives a real insight into the thought process (or complete lack thereof) in play here, specifically in regard to risk and reward. It takes a three person crew (with a possible fourth) to steal some items small enough to fit into a large purse.

Now, bear in mind 1) this is at Wal-Mart, which isn't the most high end store out there and 2) any small items of significant value will be kept locked away under glass. So just what the hell were they trying to steal that was so small and valuable that it needs a multi-person operation to pull it off (unsuccessfully)?

It's like the ghetto version of Ocean's Eleven, I guess.

Still, what they lack in smarts, they make up for in Negronomenclature. Jasmaine is pretty perfunctory Negronomification of the pre-existing 'Jasmine', only whereas Jasmine refers to something, Jasmaine means nothing. Thus, it is an archetypal Negronome in that regard. Nakisha is pretty much as middle-of-the-road as Negronomes get, but it is Markeshia which takes the prize for this round.

All told, it's a cumulative 8.5 on the Negronometer here. TNB and stupid names, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

TYA

2011-12-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: MLive

Tya an' her boo beez havin' relationship difficulties n' sheeit. Normally, this would result in rows, slammed doors, someone moving out or sleeping on the couch, etc.

Except for the fact that here at The Negronomicon, we don't deal in 'normal', we deal in Negronomenclature. Ergo, this little domestic dispute ended up with them exchanging gunfire. Breakups can be rough, I guess.

Sadly, nobody was killed...I guess that's what happens when you insist on holding the gun sideways whilst trying to look all 'gangsta'.

Tya is getting a 1.5 on the Negronometer. It's a short and unimaginative Negronome, barely worthy of inclusion, but here merely for the sake of it.

DAQUAN DONTE MARQUISE CHAKAR & MARKELL LATRAE

2011-10-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

Marquise Chakar

Daquan Donte

Markell Latrae

SOURCE:News Herald

Negros. Guns. Negronomenclature. Murder.

Perhaps the US government should formulate a gun control strategy whereby one may not possess a firearm and a Negronomically-enriched moniker. I think this could prevent a lot of needless deaths.

On the Negronometer, this one gets a solid 9.5...quality and quantity as ever. Which is something that certainly can't be said about the collective brain cells of these characters.

G

2011-10-12T07:27:00.001-07:00

G
Godsgift

GODSGIFT

2011-10-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

SOURCE:Daily Mail

What's the first thing that popped into your head upon seeing this photo? For me, it was the sound of Austin Powers declaring 'That's a man, baby!'.

Amazingly enough, this creature managed to commit bigamy, which means she was married to two men at the same time. Clearly, this shows that love is blind...love is also probably deaf, has no sense of smell, of indeterminate sexuality, and terminally fricking stupid too.

Negronomologically, I'm giving it a 4.0...it's a stupid and egotistical name, yet utterly hilarious at the same time. If that's God's Gift, you might as well convert to Satanism right now!

U

2011-10-12T06:51:00.001-07:00

U
Udell

TORONA LAMAR SHANITRA SHYTIA SHTENIQUA JAQUALA D'OBLEEK DeANGELO SHANTE MIELIELICIA D'AIRIEUS TYKEA DONTRAY UDELL & NAMOR

2011-10-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

SOURCE:WREX

You know how Edward Woodward starts screaming 'Oh Christ!' in the original version of 'The Wicker Man' when he first sets eyes on it? Well, multiply that by 10 and you still wouldn't be getting close to the reaction I had when I dug up this gem of Negronomology.

It's the usual story, a Negro who beez a good boy/just getting his life turned around just so happens to find himself in the wrong place at the wrong time and is made good. In this particular incident, the wrong place was the pizza joint he and his three cohorts were trying to rob, and it was the wrong time because an off-duty cop happened to be in there at that exact same moment.

It wasn't until I caught sight of the above notice that the full Negronomological significance of the incident hit home.

Words literally fail me...there's even one called Namor, hopefully named after the sub-aquatic Marvel Comics superhero.

Unquestionably, this is a flat out 11.0 on the Negronometer. I honestly cannot see anyway in which this could possibly be topped...and yet every time I have felt that way in the past, I have inevitably been proven wrong. Surely I cannot be wrong this time? I mean, just look at some of the Negronomenclature on display here. It literally defies belief!

SHANIQUA SHUNTAY & LAKEISHA

2011-10-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: My Fox DFW

'Teens Bludgeon Man To Death' screams the headline, but seasoned Negronomologists in our ranks already know that when the media starts talking about 'teens' and 'youths' doing something bad, they are inevitably talking about blacks. It's almost like a codeword.

Turns out these two charming 'ladies' (actions and appearances tend to suggest otherwise) bludgeoned a guy to death with a sledgehammer.

MC Hammer said 'Stop! Hammer Time!'...alas, methinks the criminal justice system will be saying 'Stop! Jail time!'. Couldn't have happened to two nicer people.

On the Negronomical side of things, it's a little dissapointing. Names like 'Shaniqua' and 'Lakeisha' are like the factory rims of Negronomenclature, and 'Shuntay' isn't a whole lot better. I can only give them a 1.5 on the Negronometer, unfortunately.

ANTWUN, CLETA, and JEVONTAI

2011-06-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

Antwun beez dead, yo.

SOURCE: News OK

The Oklahoma Pharmacy shooting, also known as "The Jerome Ersland case". This guy is a hero, even though he has been imprisoned. Ersland's "crime" was to deliver the killshot to a would-be robber...in politically-correct fantasyland, I'm guessing you're supposed to allow wounded assailants the chance to get up and attack and kill you, (or let them escape so they can come back and finish you off at a later date, thus leaving no witnesses).

Jerome Ersland. Other than two co-workers, how many other lives did he save?

Sorry, but the rule is "Put them down and take them out".

There's a saying that holds that it is better to be judged by 12 (jurors) than carried by 6 (pallbearers). Jerome Ersland can still get a pardon, but Raymond Ferguson, Jennifer Mejia, Bryon Sheffield, and Jamie Taccetta (the victims of David Laffer in the Haven drugstore shootings) can never get a pardon, nor can their loved ones, because they are dead and gone forever.

If I'm going to be in a pharmacy that is being robbed at gunpoint, I sure as hell hope that one of the employees or customers is a Jerome Ersland type of guy. Who knows, perhaps one of the Haven victims was "A Jerome Ersland type of guy" before Jerome Ersland was sentenced to life imprisonment. New York's gun laws aside, I hope this case won't have a 'chilling effect' on people defending themselves against armed criminals with lethal force.

Negronomically speaking, Jevontai is golden, and whilst Antwun is a pretty disappointing 'Antoine for retards' kind of name, I'm pretty sure it looks good on a tombstone. The Negronometer is giving a cumulative 8.0 for this sorry lot

ALEEK and DONTA

2011-06-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Philly

Yet more TNB and Negronomical gold. No photos as yet, but I'm keeping a lookout.

Working on The Negronomicon is a thankless task, but at least I have job security.

I'm giving these two 4.5 each on the Negronometer. We've already had a Donta before, and Aleek is nothing special, just mildly stupid, but that's still a damn sight smarter than its' owner.

DEL'CRESHA and MIKAYAH

2011-06-28T05:03:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Detroit Free Press

Crunching the numbers and analysing the statistics always throws up some interesting tidbits. David McCandless' book "Information Is Beautiful" taught me that statistically, the most dangerous flight in the world would be from America to Russia on an Aeroflot DC-9 in August. These variables add up to make it the riskiest air journey on the planet.

Here are some more variables which don't appear in the McCandless' book, but do appear here at the Negronomicon:

Detroit. "Del'Cresha". A crowd of Urban "Youths". Someone getting shot.

If you fed these variables into one of them old school computers with the reel-to-reel and myriad flashing lights, I can guarantee you that the printout would just say 'TNB' on it.

Again, this incident also goes to show that being young, black, an aspiring basketball player and/or rapper, and being Negronomically gifted will get you shot 9 times out of 10

Statistics, like most other areas of factual reporting, be rayciss n' sheeit.

I'm giving Del'Cresha a 9.5...it's an out-there Negronom with a healthy side order of TNB to round out the story.

KYREE

2011-06-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Daily Tribune

Time for a change of tack...rather than documenting Negronomenclature, I'm going to focus instead on Juvenomenclature, which is to say the names of young people or 'youths'.

Yes indeed, unlike black people, who are far and away one of the most law abiding and productive segments of society, 'youths' are the bane of our existence.

Kyree here is just one of these 'youths' who led a gang of his fellow 'youths' in a robbery spree on a department store. Now, I know that superficially Kyree looks as if he is black, but that is where you are mistaken...he is in fact a 'youth', and there's a subtle difference.

How does one tell the difference? Well, it's quite simple...if a black person is caught doing no good, they immediately become a 'youth'. Apparently we have been wasting our time with cosmetic surgery, so-called miracle creams and spa treatments. The regenerative and rejuvenating powers of TNB cannot be denied...it's like Olay on steroid muhfugga!

Please be advised that this effect seems to be limited solely to black people, and the only ones able to discern the effects thereof are our beloved and oh-so-honest media. But you have to admit, if you've seen the video footage of a crime, and then read the accompanying report to see that the reporters neglected to mention the race of the subjects in favour of mentioning their youthfulness, then you know their youthfulness must be pretty impressive. It would be the equivalent of a naked woman walking down the street, and people commenting upon her earrings...you know that they would have to be some damn eyecatching earrings.

Ergo, we can extrapolate that the youthful looks of these black criminals must be incredible for the media to gloss over their ethnicity and focus upon their age. It seems as if crime may very well have the equivalent powers of the fountain of youth for the black community.

I mean, look at Kyree...he's 19 years old, but doesn't look a day over 12 (and one suspects that he's even younger than that, mentally speaking...), and I had to look at the picture for about eight straight minutes before I realised he was black. Incredible, I tells ya.

Kyree is getting a 5.0 on the Negronom...sorry, I mean Juvenometer.

Normal service will be resumed with the next post.

LABRANZE

2011-06-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Indy Star

Labranze be gang rapin', yo! He's the one in the middle, by the way.

For me, Labranze is what I would term as 'Metanegromenclature' which is to say it represent a Negronomification of a pre-existing Negronom (namely 'LeBron', like the famous basketball player who to our knowledge hasn't raped anyone....yet).

As such, it represents an interesting new progression in the field of Negronomenclature. I'd use the term 'evolution', but is that ever justified when we're talking about people like this? No, I don't think it is.

Labranze gets an 8.0 on the Negronometer...you don't need to see the mugshot to know he's black, which means it totally subverts the best efforts of politically-correct libtards in the media who try their best to obfuscate reality when it doesn't conform to their Cultural Marxist happy-clappy worldview.

Here's hoping Labranze and his homies get a taste of their own medicine during their tenure at 'college'.

DURLENTREN & PRIMITIVO

2011-06-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

Sylvester Durlentren Thompson

Sylvester Primitivo Thompson

Sylvester Andre Thompson

SOURCE:Chronicle (Houston & Texas)

As you can well imagine, when you are involved as deeply in the field of Negronomology as I am, you start to become somewhat insulated. What was once shocking and surprising suddenly loses the power to shock. One might begin to feel somewhat jaded, and develop the notion that you've seen it all.

...and then a genuine four-alarm Negronomological phenomenon like this one crops up, and you snap out of it, because you know that no matter how much Negronomologically-infused TNB you've witnessed, and no matter how sure you are that the latest round of idiocy you've witnessed can't be topped, lo and behold they go and lower the bar yet again.

The latest trio of inductees to the hallowed pages of the Negronomicon have a number of things in common with previous subjects. They're black, they're male, they're felons, and they're stupid (with stupid names to match). However, this trifecta of walking turds also have something in common with each other...they're all called Sylvester Thompson.

(Yes, I know Sylvester isn't particular Negronomified as names go, but bear with me a second)

Picture the scene at the Thompson household (I'm thinking Section 8?) as Momma Thompson (because you just know that there ain't gonna be no Daddy Thompson in the picture...actually, looking at the resemblance or lack thereof between the three of them, I'd hazard a guess that there was a lot more than one Daddy Thompson, and none of them stuck around either) tries to summon one of her children and keeps getting the wrong one because they all answer to the same name.

It's doubly ironic when you consider how TV and Movies just love that whole unflattering backwoods hicks stereotype of Southerners where there are whole (inbred) families of green/black/yellow toothed (or toothless) tobacco-chewin' yokels who have huge families where each child is named some variation of 'Billy' or 'Bob'...you know Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Billy Ray, Billy Joe, etc...and yet reality just has to step in and ruin the illusion (and Hollywood's best efforts to convince you that up is down and black is white) with the Thompson Twits (Oblique Tintin reference FTW!) here.

Fortunately, Momma Thompson had enough book smarts to give them all different middle names, and it is here the Negronomitude begins in earnest.

'Primitivo' is a pretty good one. Extremely appropriate too, by the looks of things. Shame she didn't just go the whole hog and call him 'Sylvester Subhuman Thompson'.

'Durlentren' on the other hand, is unquestionably Negronomological gold. It's one of those names that as soon as you read it in the news report, you don't need to look at the description of the suspects. That to me is the essence of a good Negronome.

I'm giving this one a solid 10.0 on the Negronometer simply due to the unusual nature of the case (by which I mean the identical names, not the triumvirate of Negro ne'er-do-wells getting arrested in the process of carrying out a crime...there's nothing unusual about that, after all).

W

2011-06-14T05:15:00.001-07:00

W

Wilana

WILANA JOENEL

2011-06-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Tampa Bay Online

What is it with black people and cats? I've already theorised earlier that perhaps it is a deep-seated envy rooted in the fact that cats have superior intellects and personal hygiene than blacks, but now I'm starting to think there might just be something more to it than that...maybe something related to ancient Egypt, possibly?

Wilana went one better than previous Negronomicon standout Lordtyshon (who you may recall beat a cat to death with an umbrella) by using a baseball bat. She still has some way to go until she reaches the level of sadistic subhuman Cheyenne Cherry though.

It's an oft-quoted truism that dogs don't like Negros...something tells me that cats can't be too far behind their four-legged cousins in becoming racially-aware, methinks.

As for Wilana herself, I'm looking at her mugshot, and thinking to myself 'You know, I'm sure I've seen that face somewhere before...' and lo and behold, it turns out that I had.

I'm only giving Wilana Joenel a 4.5 on the Negronometer, as it's just pretty average in terms of Negronomological value. One thing for sure is that Wilana's looks will never be described as 'average' or 'pretty' though. She naaaasty, and her penchant for animal cruelty isn't very endearing either. Just what it is she is supposed to have to offer the United States I am unsure (other than that much-needed diversity we keep hearing about), but she's certainly found her rightful home here in the Negronomicon.

I

2011-06-14T05:10:00.001-07:00

I

Ivhan'e

AQUADEA, DEBRIA, IVHAN'E and SHAMARRA

2011-06-14T05:07:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: FOX8

Pesky neighborhood kids keep intruding upon your lawn, or bumping into your car? Don't chastise them or threaten to complain to their parents, just shoot the little bastards!

That's what Charles DuBose (above) did.

This has been a Public Service Announcement on behalf of the Black Community.

Moral of the story is: Keep off the grass, kids. Or get capped.

Negronomiconically, this one rates a solid 10.0 on the Negronometer...quality and quantity, with a side order of TNB to go. What's not to love?

ASHANTI, AALIYAH, CHAZMIA, DECORY and SHACARA

2011-04-16T03:28:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: PIX 11

Nothing too fancy here...Shacara (above) got beat down by a gang of fellow Negronomenclatually-gifted females, with names like Decory (wtf?) and Chazmia (which for some reason make the word 'Chlamydia' pop into my head).

What raises this little spat above the level of your everyday TNB scenario is the weapon used to inflict the damage...a padlock wrapped in a sock and swung at the victim (henceforth known as the 'Lock 'n' Sock')...straight out of the penitentiary playbook

I really do have to get to work on that Negronomified version of Clue that I was planning, don't I?

Anyway, I'm giving this incident an 8.5 cumulative score on the Negronometer, as it has a good mix of quality and quantity.

KURTISHA, JAVEONI, SHIKIMI

2011-03-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: JS Online

Epic tale here, certainly worthy of the newspaper's attention. There were struggles to overcome, adversity, challenges and moments of self-discovery, but in the end this talented bunch of scholars were able to defy the odds and give a little presentation in layman's terms.

You know, the kind of thing regular students do regularly without any great hoo-ha. It deserves to be made into a Hollywood movie...maybe they could call it "Droppin' Science" or something like that? Of course, it would need some stereotypical evil white racist character who tries to thwart their attempts at every turn, but I have faith that Hollywood can pull it off.

I'm surprised none of them have been shortlisted for the Nobel Prize as of yet. They may not have done that much by regular academic standards, but they've done more than Barack Obama did to get his.

SHMECO

2011-03-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Daily Mail

Shmeco? Schmucko more like it!

Shoplifting by hiding goods in the rolls of her body fat. Remember that the next time you see a morbidly obese black woman waddling around your local supermarket or department store.

How long before these heifers are being used to smuggle weapons into buildings or drugs into prison, if they ain't already?

Spare a thought for the poor police officer that had to search this fat beast. They deserve a medal.

Shmecko gets a 3.0 on the Negronometer. Dumb name, dumb person, disgusting M.O. You nasty!!!

TYRONE LEVOID

2011-03-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: Daily Mail

How to solve the race issue? Well, we could interbreed with each other, resulting in one race where everyone's the same colour. Tyrone was doing his part here.

Still, this process would take a long time...a few generations at the least. Dynamic go-getters like Tyrone do not have time to wait for things like this. That's why they love fast food like fried chicken.

No Tyrone formulated a plan whereby his mudshark could enjoy all of the benefits of being as black as he is...by setting fire to her! Smart thinking Tyrone.

Another mudshark gets their death wish fulfilled too. Who would have guessed it would turn out this way?

Negronomically speaking, 'Tyrone' is like the factory rims of negronomes, and thus not all that noteworthy. 'Levoid', on the other hand, is a doozy, and neatly rhymes with words like 'negroid' (which Tyrone is) and 'devoid' (which Tyrone also is, regarding intelligence, humanity, a soul...and now liberty).

I'm giving it a 5.0 on the Negronometer.

LORDTYSHON

2011-03-18T04:16:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: NY Daily News

The name alone is stupid enough to clock in at an undisputed 10.0 on the Negronometer, but here at the Negronomicon, ridiculous Negronomenclature is our bread and butter. As it happens, 'Lordtyshon' has got a lot more to bring to the table than just a laughaby ridiculous name.

See, Lordtyshon done gone an' got himself what we all call 'Rep'. He beat a cat to death with an umbrella.

And when I say 'cat', I don't mean it in a street-slang sense, but in a literal sense, as in the furry feline.

Word, homes. He was probably jealous of the cat's superior intellect and personal hygiene.

The whole thing reads like some Negrified version of Clue: 'Who killed Mr. Kitty? It was Lordtyshon, in the crib, with an umbrella.'

Of course, after you solve the crime, you get to be accused of being 'rayciss', and get to listen to counter-arguments from other players (or 'playas') who will attempt to disprove your hypothesis with such tested and true Negroisms as 'He din' do nufinz!', 'He beez a good boy!', 'He wuz jus' gettin' his life turned around' etc, etc.

Fun for the whole family. Maybe I could manufacture a special 'Who be da babydaddy?' version as well?

Anyway, like I said, straight 10.0 on the Negronometer, now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and phone Parker Brothers.

JAZ'MINE

2011-03-18T03:39:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: WFAA

Jaz'mine is dead.

Let us examine some of the facts in the case:

Emergency officials said the child had immersion burns to her stomach and legs, likely from hot water.

1) Da Babydaddy "confessed to putting the couple's daughter Jaz'mine in the bathtub... then falling asleep"

a) Putting a baby in the bath and then going to sleep is a surefire way to have the kid drown itself. However, this tot didn't have the chance to drown themself, as they died from their burns.

b) If you put a baby in water that is hot enough to cause said burns, would you not expect it to be making so much noise wailing in agony that Da Babydaddy would not be able to get to sleep?

This whole case positively screams 'Ghetto Lobster'. If you're not familiar with the term, we discussed it HERE.

Also of note:

2) Da Babydaddy 'has been on the run since Tuesday night, when he picked up Howard from work and she later found her daughter's body wrapped in a sheet inside the trunk of the car.'

a) The white girl works, Da Babydaddy stays home, mooches off her and 'takes care' of the kid. This totally contradicts the usual interracial relationship paradigm.

Not.

3) Howard said she begged Bellamy's family for help. "I said, 'Call 911 right now, call 911 please! Charles says my daughter is in the trunk of the car and she's not alive anymore."

a) Generally, this would imply that she is dead.

4) Before he fled, Howard said Bellamy took a weapon from the house and drove off in his mother's car.

a) Mooching off women again! I'm assuming 'a weapon' is a firearm, but I figure that if he was going to bite the bullet, he'd have done it already. I'm seeing more of a 'You'll never take me alive, pig!' scenario unfolding here.

5) "Bellamy, who police call a "person of interest" in Jaz'mine's death..."

No shit Sherlock. You think!?

This story is so tragic, even more so because seasoned Negronomologists amongst our number could have predicted without fail that this was all doomed to failure before it even began, but some people just won't listen to common sense, or factual evidence either. You know what they say about those who ignore history being doomed to repeat it...

I'm not going to even give it a score on the Negronometer, it's that sad.

Z

2011-03-17T07:59:00.001-07:00

Z

Zsvontario

Y

2011-03-17T07:57:00.001-07:00

Y

Yamani
Yohan

V

2011-03-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

V

Vikkita
Vornelius

R

2011-03-17T07:46:00.001-07:00

R

Raymeica
Rexdriquez
Ricardo (I)
Ricardo (II)
Ricktoria
Rictoria
Rodell
Rodtravis

Q

2011-03-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

Q

Quantez
Querronaceosam

P

2011-03-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

P

Perigion
Primitivo

N

2011-03-17T07:41:00.001-07:00

N
Nakisha
Namor
Nu'Keese

M

2011-03-17T07:36:00.001-07:00

M
Markell
Markeshia
Marquise
Masterson
Menshack
Mielielicia
Mikayah
Mikka
Monisha

L

2011-03-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

L
Labranze
Ladmarald
Lakeisha
Lamar
Lamount
Latarian
Latrae
Lazaro
Leedarrente
LeGarrette
Letrell
Levoid
Lordtyshon

J

2011-03-17T07:13:00.001-07:00

J

Jabraylon
Jacquetta
Jakadrien
Jakaris
Jamaiyah
Janzen
Jaquala
Jasmaine
Javeoni
Javont
Jaz'mine
Jemelle
Jevontai
Jhakor
Jimmon
Joenel
Johnessa

H

2011-03-17T07:09:00.001-07:00

H

Harris
Hassian

C

2011-03-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

C

Carlnelus
Carnell
Chakar
Chazmia
Cheyenne
Cleta
Cortez (I)
Cortez (II)

B

2011-03-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

B

Barkavius
Barkevious
Boubacar

K

2011-03-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

K

Kanye
Kenroy
Keyon
Kurtisha
Kyree

KENROY

2011-03-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: This Is Oxfordshire

Kenroy was known for his work organising events in the 'community' and working with young people, a.k.a. 'Yoots'.

Then he stabbed someone to death.

Now he has a full-ride scholarship to NU.

Amazing. I've never heard anything like that before, I tell you.

Negronomically speaking, Kenroy strikes me as another one of these 'play it safe/who beez the babydaddy?' names wherein the names of the potential fathers are concatenated into one new name, thus covering all the bases should that paternity test come back saying something different.

I'm giving it a 3.5 on the Negronometer. It just doesn't inspire in the way a classical negronome should, I'm afraid.

O

2011-03-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

O
Octavius
Omarrian
Omir
Ophadell
Orenthal

OPHADELL

2011-03-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Question: Just how much of a gambling addiction do you have to have in order to think allowing somebody with a cranium shaped like this to be your driver is a good idea?

SOURCE:Daily Mail

You probably know Ophadell as the 'Deadly Decapitation Devil Driver' after the unfortunate incident wherein he decapitated a group of Asian gambling enthusiasts on his bus with the help of a signpost.

Hey, it could have happened to any one of us. Accidents like this happen all the time, right?

Of course, we know it's not Ophadell's fault, because members of his family have already confirmed that 'He din' do nuffinz!', so that makes it okay.

(NB: 'Nuffinz' in this instance does not take into account Ophadell's previous convictions for grand larceny, second degree murder later downgraded to manslaughter, speeding, driving without a license, driving whilst under suspension, giving a false name etc. Still, you can rest assured that he beez a good boy who wuz jus' gettin' his life turned around...etc, etc.)

What makes this case most interesting to me is the reaction of the Asian-American community. Here we have a criminal negro who has caused 15 deaths and/or decapitations of your fellow Asians, yet rather than 'take it to the streets' and demand some justice, they instead get their panties in a bunch over the innocent observations of this young lady:

She can play with my King Kong Ding Dong and make me go 'Oooooh!' anytime she likes...!

Priorities, eh?

Stll, Asian people taking other minorities to task for being poor drivers could be fraught with 'pot calling the kettle black' difficulties, plus I'd imagine the young white girl is probably easier to beat up than shank-happy jailbird Ophadell. Way to go losing that 'Asian men are kind of effeminate' tag, heroes!

I'm giving Ophadell an 8.5 on the Negronometer...it's not the most outlandish Negronome I've ever encountered, but you knew he was black as soon as you read it, even before the mugshot surfaced, so it's a practical one. Factor in that F'd up fizzog (physiognomy for those playing along at home), and you've got yourself another winner.

SHEMICKA

2011-01-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Music & Mischief

As if there weren't already enough reasons to hate Mark Zuckerberg...turns out Shemicka done gon' an' 'shanked' her boo cuz he wouldn't let her peep his Facebook profile.

My question is this: If you're prepared to get stabbed so as to protect the privacy of your Facebook profile, just what the hell have you been doing on it that you don't want your 'gurlfren' to see, and just what imagined consequence do you imagine there being which is worse than getting stabbed?

The mind boggles. Or noggles.

So there you have it folks, Cyber-Muh-Dikin transmogrifies into an IRL shankin'...virtual reality be damned!

I'm giving Shemicka a 5.0 as it's just barely average as Negronomenclature goes, like 'Shaniqua' or 'Tamika'.

DOM PERIGION CHAMPAGNE

2011-01-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Chan4Chan

Seriously, beat that.

This is an automatic 10.0 on the Negronometer, even accounting for the misspelling/Negronomification of 'Perignon'.

DAMONTA

2011-01-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

Damonta is on the right
SOURCE:The Smoking Gun

Damonta and his hetero life mate here got a woman intoxicated, and then raped her with a live snake.

That's right, two black men, the self-proclaiming 'God's Gift To Women' had to first get the woman intoxicated (perhaps because she doesn't find them as attractive as they evidently consider themselves?), then they had to rape her with a snake (even though every black man will swear blind that 'muh dik' is the biggest in the world, and how they are born sexual supermen, etc.).

Thus we see the disconnect between talking a good game, and reality. Indeed, perhaps the respective 'muh diks' in this case were not of the stereotypical size, and so they resorted to using a snake, hoping the already-intoxicated woman wouldn't be able to tell the difference, or perhaps would wake up the next day and exclaim 'muh poosy done feel like it been raped by a boa constrictor or python n' sheeit', at which point ill smooth brutha Damonta could slyly smirk and perhaps remark something to the effect of 'Yeah, muh dik is that big, bitch'.

Still, this little bit of legend-building is going unpunished, and Damonta and his pal look like they could be getting a full-ride scholarship to NU, where they will no doubt learn the flipside of their little ruse. Just imagine Damonta waking up in his dorm room (or 'cell', as the hep cats call it) and exclaiming 'Daayuummm! Muh azz feels like I done got raped with a broom handle n' sheeit!'.

Something tells me that Damonta's 'roommate' could very soon be considered 'the big man on campus'.

As for Damonta himself, I'm giving him a 2.5, as whilst it's a decent example of Negronomenclature, you just have to say that this case speaks volumes for his inner insecurities and inferiority complex. The guy's a sad, sad case. Still, given the STD rates in the black community, it's probably better for their victim to have been raped/bitten by a snake...certainly less hazardous to her health too. Couldn't he have just gone out and got himself a strap-on or something to cover up his obvious sexual inadequacy? Apparently not, but he needn't worry, because at progressive institutions like NU, penile patheticness doesn't matter. Not everyone gets to be a pitcher, if you know what I'm saying? Personally, I think Damonta will fit in just fine...and I get the feeling that plenty of his fellow NU attendees will be trying to fit in Damonta too.

Now if that ain't poetic justice, I don't know what is.

S

2010-12-31T03:59:00.001-08:00

S
Santonio
Seneca
Shacara
Shakera
Shamarra
Shaniqua
Shanitra
Shante
Shardae
Shardai
Shemicka
Shikimi
Shmeco
Sholonda
Shteniqua
Shuntay
Shytia
Ski'ron
Sparkling Angel
Stephfon
Suncelaree

SPARKLING ANGEL

2010-12-31T03:40:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Click On Detroit

This hulking Hippopotamus-Heifer hybrid put a woman on life support because 'she gave her the wrong look'. All things considered, it's probably for the best that 'Sparkling Angel' didn't introduce herself to the woman in question...who here amongst us can honestly put their hand on their heart and say that they could keep a straight face when presented with a name like that, or suppress the desire to respond with a disbelieving 'For real?' or 'Really?'. Or 'Are you fucking kidding me?'

Very few, I'd wager. As to what constitutes a 'wrong look' (or even a 'right look', for that matter), that's a whole other discussion. Apparently, just looking at Blacks nowadays can be considered 'rayciss'...hopefully the mainstream media will soon cotton on to this idea and stop shoe-horning them into every movie and TV show, whether they should be there or not, like a Black Norse God, for example. It would be nice, but I seriously doubt it's going to happen anytime soon.

I'm giving Sparkling Angel an 8.5 on the Negronometer, because what it lacks in apostrophes, superfluous 'La/Da' prefixes, and faux-African flavour, it more than makes up for in outright balls-to-the-wall stupidity.

Here's hoping her victim makes a full recovery, and that this fat sheboon sow gets shanked in the showers at NU.

JEMELLE and MENSHACK

2010-12-30T00:02:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:WSBTV

This one has it all...Negroes,Criminality, Negronomenclature and Fail. Twice over, no less.

These two fine upstanding 'citizens' are supposed to be National Guardsmen, yet instead decided to turn their respective hands to armed robbery. Go figure, eh? It kind of reminds me of that old saying about having the fox guard the henhouse.

In the event of a massive 'SHTF'-type scenario striking the US, these two would be called upon to enforce law and order, security, etc....somehow though, I'm kind of thinking they be just like the Police looters during Katrina, only with machine guns instead of a handgun.

Sleep safe, America!

'Jemelle' is obviously a Negronomified version of 'Jamal', but what the hell is a 'Menshack'?

I'm giving them a cumulative 5.0 on the Negronometer...these just aren't the kind of stand-out Negronomes that this site exists to chronicle.

RAYMEICA

2010-12-21T02:59:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Macon

Raymeica done been pissed off 'cuz whitey won't give her no Energy Assistance handout, and she's po' an' desperate n' sheeit, and her azz iz gonna freeze 2 Def, yo.

Her cries of 'Gibs me dat!' alas have gone unanswered. It's a story that shames America, when this great nation somehow cannot come together and aid those who have nothing...oh, except an XBox 360 and a monster flatscreen TV. Pay no attention to the man (or expensive home entertainment items) behind the curtains (or 'shegro').

I blame whitey. If whitey hadn't done opressed them Native Americans, then another one of them philosophical injuns would have surely popped up with a timely proverb like 'Only when we've stopped playing HALO will we realise that XBox 360 can't heat a house'.

Word.

The moral of this story is you've gotta watch your background. For me, this highly embarrassing pic of Raymeica is the spiritual descendent of this classic example of autonegrography:

They say a picture's worth a thousand words, and this prime shot of Raymeica doin' her 'We ain't gots nuthin' routine certainly speaks volumes. However, as far as Negronomenclature goes, I'm only giving her a 5.5

T

2010-12-14T16:57:00.001-08:00

T
Ta'marion
Telia
Terriffic
Thaberi
Thurman
Timon
Ti'eshia
Torona
Tracen
Travaris
Tya
Tykea
Tykeza
Tynisha
Tyree
Tyrek
Tyrone

RICTORIA & RICKTORIA

2010-12-14T16:42:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:True Crime Report

Fast Food restaurants, verbal disrespect, mindless violence, weaves being torn from scalps. What more do you need to know?

Time was that you could go to a fast food outlet and get assaulted by a negro customer. Now it turns out employees are just a prone to violently chimp out as anyone else. Who would of thought it?

Too bad Rictoria wasn't packing heat, otherwise she could have evolved the drive-by shooting into a drive-thru shooting. That would be some next-level Negrology and no mistake.

Anyway, Rictoria is pretty lame as Negronomenclature goes...I'll give it a 1.5, and the same goes for the variant spelling 'Ricktoria', which I seem to recall seeing on Maury many, many moons ago. I think she'd stolen her daughter's boyfriend/babydaddy/buck/whatever.

JABRAYLON & CARLNELUS

2010-12-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

Carnelus...looks kind of like Snoop Dogg to me
SOURCE:Fox News

Novices in the field of Negrology might find this story both shocking and surprising. However, seasoned students of the game will have been nodding their heads and putting two and two together as soon as they read the headline, because this sort of thing isn't actually that uncommon. Indeed, incidents like this are so numerous that they have even spawned their own catch-all term, and it is that two-word phrase which would have been front-and-center in the minds of Negrologists as they perused this sorry story.

That phrase is 'GHETTO LOBSTER' (or 'Lobsta/Lobstah' as per your preference).

Urban Dictionary defines it thus:

Ghetto Lobster

A baby who's been 'disciplined' with hot water (immersed in a pot of boiling water, for example) by someone with poor parenting skills attributed to an economically under-privileged upbringing.

That's no baby with a sunburn; that's a ghetto lobster.

It's one of those things which at first you'll dismiss as made up, or an internet meme gone out of control...that is until you see the rather numerous cases that back the theory up.

Let me put it to you this way: You know that black guy on 'Deadliest Catch'? Exactly...know what I'm saying?

Anyway, turns out Carlnelus was already a convicted murderer, so probably not the best person to leave looking after your child, all things considered.

I'm giving this a cumulative 10.0 on the Negronometer. Two good Negronomes combined with classic instance of TNB means that this is one for the ages.

TYNISHA

2010-12-14T02:45:00.000-08:00

This isn't Tynisha, or Heimdall, for that matter. All will be explained...

SOURCE:WAVY

Tynisha is the first victim of Marvel's politically-correct 'color blind casting' decision to have Idris Elba, a black man, portray the Norse God (yes, a black Norse God...ponder that one for a second) Heimdall, who is known as 'The White God'.

How ironic, eh? You'd almost think they'd done it by design rather than chance.

Anyway, anyone who is familiar with the bizarre lengths black people have gone to with the 'Weez beez Egypshuns n' sheeit' meme would have immediately realised that having black folk suddenly think 'Weez beez Norse Godz n' sheeit' was a disaster waiting to happen...only it ain't waiting no more.

No, Tynisha, no doubt convinced that she was a direct descendant of Thor himself, took it upon herself to attack her husband with a hammer. Why not a kitchen knife, baseball bat or good ol' fashioned 'gat', you ask? Simple...because of Marvel's mindlessly masturbatory multicultural movie morass that is Thor (how do you like those alliterative apples, Mr. Stan Lee?).

Alas, shortly after taking up her less-than-mythical Mjolnir against her babydaddy, she also attempted vehicular homicide on a cop with her car (in mythology, Thor generally uses a chariot pulled by two rams...say, I wonder if she drove a Dodge?) and was shot and killed.

No doubt her soul (if indeed she had one...many academics in the field of Negrology contest this supposition) was borne skyward by a throng of Valkyries unto the great halls of Asgard, where Tynisha may join the other brave fallen in the Wild Hunt. Indeed, no doubt if Snorri Sigurdsson was still amongst us, he would not doubt be adding her story to the epic poem that is the Havamal:

Tynisha be dead, yo
But she layeth not in the ground
Dat bitch got capped by five-oh
As she wuz just turnin' her life around

She din' do nothin'
Save with a hammer smite her buck's head
Vehicularhomicide-aphobic pigs be racist 'n sheeit
Dats why they shot her azz dead.

I'm giving Tynisha a 5.0 on the Negronometer...she's just another victim of the mass media practice of swopping out white characters by having them played by black actors. Next thing you know, we'll have a Wright Bros. biopic starring the Wayans brothers, and they'll all be going around thinking they invented the plane.

Shame on you Marvel and Hollywood. Her blood is on your hands.

SHAKERA SUNCELAREE and TYREK

2010-12-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

Shakera Suncelaree

SOURCE:True Crime Report

Shakera is an interesting one. It might be pronounced 'Sha-CARE-AH', or it might be pronounced 'Sha-KEER-Ah', like that hip-wigglin' Colombian songbird.

Turns out that the name may not be the only thing she's adopted from Latin culture, as she didn't seem to have much objection to Tyrek and his pals using her 18 month old child as a pinata, and beating the crap out of it.

Nice.

As for her middle name, Suncelaree...what the hell is that about? Damned if I know.

Tyrek is another interesting one...could be a Negronomological 'spin' on 'Tariq' (such as Tariq Aziz, for example), but then again, it also puts me in mind of such legendary popular culture icons as Tim Russ' black Vulcan Tuvok, or the comic book (and subsequent video game) hero, Turok, a Native American who hunts dinosaurs.

Coming soon to a comic book store near you...it's TYREK: TODDLER PUNCHER!

Too bad Tyrek strikes me as being too dumb to enjoy a comic book, even if you removed the words. Still, no doubt being a baby beater will score him some massive rep when he starts his term at NU.

Here's hoping!

I'm giving these two a cumulative 4.5 on the Negronometer, just because their douchebaggery is so pronounced.

ANFERNEY and ANFERNEE

2010-12-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

Anferney

Anfernee

SOURCE:True Crime Report

What's in a name? Anfernee is a multi-millionaire basketball player, whilst Anferney is a juvenile rapist. Maybe if Anferney had gone by a nickname like 'Penny', he would have stayed on the straight and narrow, or perhaps have gone on to become a professional basketball player himself, and therefore not a rapist, because we all know that professional basketball players are incapable of raping women.

Ain't that right, Kobe?

I'm giving both variations a 1.5 on the Negronometer...when a name is so lame that you would prefer to go by a girl's name (Penny, short for Penelope), it's just not going to carry much weight here at the Negronomicon.

D

2010-12-04T04:33:00.000-08:00

D
D'Airieus
Damonta
Danroy
Daquan
Daunte
DeAndre
DeAngelo
De Angelo
Debria
Decory
Del'Cresha
Delvonte
DeMarcus
Deonte
Derrin
Devonta
Dezhuan
Dionta
D'Obleek
Dom Perigion Champagne
Donessa
Donta
Donta (2)
Donte
Dontray
Durlentren

A

2010-12-04T04:21:00.001-08:00

A
Aaliyah
Aleek
Amiri
Andrae
Anfernee
Anferney
Antonio
Antwain
Antwun
Aquadea
Armani
Arssei
Ashanti
Avion

YOHAN and YAMANI

2010-12-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Evening Standard

'Yohan' isn't very good, just a quick phonetic alteration to the pre-existing Johan(nes), but 'Yamani' is a decent quality Negronome.

Turns out these Brothers In Arms, or more accurately, 'Brothas In Armed Robbery' aren't the brightest...posing with their ill-gotten loot and posting pics of it on the internet shockingly led to their arrest. Yes, armed robbery victims, 'Yamani' has got 'ya money'.

Fortunately, he's not going to need it, and neither is Yohan as they'll both be receiving full ride scholarships to NU, all meals and accomodation taken care of. Now how about that for a happy ending?

I'm giving Yohan and Yamani a cumulative 5.5, because that's all they're worth, even if they are the first entries into the 'Y' section of the Negronomicon.

ANDRAE JHAKOR SKI'RON

2010-12-03T16:08:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:M Live

Okay, let me just say I was in two minds whether or not to include 'Andrae' as it is a lazy attempt at Negronomifying an existing name...you wouldn't even know it was different unless you saw it written down.

However, once we get past this initial disappointment, it's solid gold from here on out. Picture the scene:

INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE

ENSIGN BLOGGS: Most of the dignitaries have already beamed aboard Captain.

CAPTAIN SMITH: Who's left?

ENSIGN BLOGGS: Just the Triluvian Ambassador...he's beaming over now.

(Triluvian Ambassador materialises in Transporter Bay)

TRILUVIAN: I am Jhakor Ski'ron, Ambassador of Triluvia.

CAPTAIN SMITH: On behalf of the United Federation of Planets, I welcome you aboard
the Starship Enterprise.

TRILUVIAN: Yo, where da Vulcan women be at?

Andrae falls into the 'not to sharp, but fond of sharp objects category', and it looks like his penchant for stabbing people could earn him a scholarship place at NU, where sticking things inside people against their will is a daily occurence, especially in the showers. He should love it!

I'm giving him a 9.0...it would have been 10, but I had to knock a point off for 'Andrae', I'm afraid.

QUANTEZ DEVONTA and TRACEN

2010-12-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

Quantez Devonta

Tracen (How cool would it have been if his middle name was 'Paper'?

SOURCE:Daily Mail

Two of the four goons involved in the Bobby Tillman murder, and an interesting insight into the concept of morality as per 'urban youths'.

Rather than hit a girl who had struck one of their group (see, it starts of okay...vaguely chivalrous, even), the gang of four instead decide to take out their pent up frustration on the next person they see, who happened to be a young fellow by the name of Bobby Tillman, and subsequently beat him to death.

If this isn't a stark illustration of that time-honoured proverb that 'the road to Hell is paved with good intentions', then I don't know what is. Clearly, the road to Hell is also any street or road where black folk congregate in large numbers.

I rest my case.

From a Negronomological perspective, we've got some real humdingers. 'Tracen' sounds like a bad hybrid of 'Tracey' and 'Jason', but 'Quantez Devonta' makes me wish that Scrabble would amend the rules to allow the use of Negronomes.

I'm giving them a cumulative 10.0 on the Negronometer (1.5 for Tracen, 8.5 for Quantez Devonta). Negronomologically gifted, logically and morally subnormal...what else is new?

DELVONTE

2010-12-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Daily Mail

Delvonte's story is certainly an unusual one...how often is that we have an inductee to the Negronomicon who doesn't have a police mugshot?

His body is found battered and bruised in somebody's yard, but because that yard is under a flight path, there's speculation he may have tried hitching a ride in the wheel well of a plane and fell out.

Or perhaps some people just beat him to death and dumped his body in the nearest yard.

Still, it's nice to see the Police adhere to Sherlock Holmes' old maxim that held 'When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth'.

Can the involvement of aliens be ruled out at this juncture? Who knows...still, if this freefall fatality theory does prove to have legs (or, more appropriately, wings), then I'm pretty sure Reverend Al and Jesse will be suing the airline and airport, and probably accusing gravity of being racist too.

For now, I'm giving Delvonte a 5.0 on the Negronometer.

DANROY

2010-12-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:Now Public

'Danroy' sounds like a straightforward enough name, most likely a 'play it safe until we know who da babydaddy beez'-inspired moniker. It's just a shame that two fairly mundane names like Dan and Roy got stuck together...imagine if his parents had first consulted the Negronomicon and concocted a hybrid from the Negronomenclature listed within. Just imagine...Querronoszvontario, anybody? It would be even cooler if they decided to splice three or four different Negronomes together. The possibilities are endless!

However, one thing that isn't endless is life, and for some people the end comes quicker than it does for others. In Danroy's case, an attempted vehicular homicide on a cop was unfortunately foiled when said cop's partner decided to let bullets do the talking. In gangsta circles, I'd imagine killing a cop would have led to Danroy being a 'made man'. As it was, it just ended up with him being made good.

I'm giving Danroy a 1.5 on the Negronometer. At the end of the day it's just too mundane and lacking in that intrinsic creativity which all good Negronomes tend to have.

AMIRI

2010-12-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: Orlando Sentinel

It's ironic...as I typed 'Amiri' into Google to look up the story, the suggestion that got offered was 'Amirite?', the concatenated bastardisation of 'Am I right?'.

Fact is, he's about as far from right as you could hope to be, which is to say he (and his accomplices) are just plain wrong.

As Negronomenclature goes, 'Amiri' is just so bland...the addition of a needless 'D' to make 'D'Amiri' could have made all the difference, but it was not to be. Still, it's relatively easy to spell, which I guess is a good thing as I'm not getting a 'rocket scientist' vibe off of him.

'Amiri' gets a 1.5 on the Negronometer. I dare say he'll get more when it comes to sentencing though.

Here's hoping.

UPDATE:

2009-11-27T07:14:00.000-08:00

Added pictures to RODTRAVIS and REXDRIQUEZ.

BARKAVIUS and BARKEVIOUS

2009-11-27T06:51:00.001-08:00

SOURCE:

'Barkavius' sounds like the kind of name you'd give to a character in an animated movie about the Roman Empire where all of the characters are played by dogs, like some kind of bizarre hybrid between 'Lady and The Tramp' and 'Gladiator'.

I wonder if he has a brother called 'Woofus Maximus' or something like that?

What he does have (asides from a criminal record and a nice shiner courtesy of 'the Po-po') is a namesake of sorts, called 'Barkevious', whose negronomenclature was dubbed so mirthworthy that Name Of The Year named him their 2009 champion.

What are the odds on that?

I'm giving both of them an 8.0 on the Negronometer. How soon before we see a 'Barackavius', I wonder?

QUERRONACEOSAM

2009-11-27T03:31:00.000-08:00

SOURCE:

'Querronaceosam'. You have to feel pity for the newsreader who gets that come up on the teleprompter. Worse still, since 'Querronaceosam' was 'made good' as we say here at NU (negro-on-negro negrocide, so you can rest assured that 'it beez all whitey's fault'), some poor guy has to carve this negronomenclaturial monstrosity into a headstone.

People apparently just called him 'Querro', but I figure it would be quicker and easier if people just called him 'Sam'.

On second thoughts, it would probably have been a lot safer too...imagine if he misheard you and took it as a homophobic slight? Negro males get all bent out of shape when somebody suggests they are on the down low, yet most of them are simultaneously engaged in the sort of mindless larceny that will earn them a scholarship to NU, where single-sex communal showers and male-on-male rape are the daily norm. It's like Shakespeare said: 'I think the lady doth protest too much'.

It occurs to me that the phenomenon of Negronomology may in fact aid Negroes in the comission of felonious acts or providing false ID to the relevant authorities in attempts to scam various programs. In certain areas, I'm sure the cops wouldn't bat an eyelid if a negro told them that their name was 'La'Quazeriffioncius Jackson'.

Indeed, Negronomology can be viewed as part of a group evolutionary strategy designed to facilitate the use of false ID by simply counteracting the natural suspicion on the part of the relevant official. Said official may think that 'Sha'dontravius Jefferson' sounds like a hokey, made up name that they've just come up with on the spot, but those subjected to repeated exposure to Maury Povich paternity test shows will have their natural suspicion counterbalanced by the recollection that 'negroes do give their offspring bizarre and laughable names'.

Fortunately, said strategy and any intended advantage afforded thereby is completely nullified by the fact that whatever pseudo-African-Americanese moniker they decide to give themselves, they are still black, and that's one cause for suspicion that cannot be so easily neutralised, despite the best efforts of the mainstream media propaganda machine. Michael Jackson may have tried his darndest, but his efforts ultimately proved futile. A leopard can't change its' spots, and a negro, whether called 'Reggie' or 'Jarvontisse', is still a negro. As the old saying goes, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. The negronomological equivalent is the same in spirit, albeit it decidedly less flattering to the subject, as one might readily expect.

There's really not much you can add to a name like this...it says everything you could possibly want to say all by itself, just by the fact of its mere existence.

It's a stone-cold, undisputed 10.0 on the Negronometer, no question, and our first Q name to boot.

JANZEN and NU'KEESE

2009-11-27T03:08:00.000-08:00

Janzen

Nu'keese

SOURCE

What is it about negroes and criminality? It's like one of nature's immutable laws.

Suffice to say, it looks like these two future rocket scientists will be trading in their full ride athletic scholarships for full ride scholarships at NU.

At the end of the day, I can't help but get the feeling that this is all whitey's fault. If only some rich white family had adopted them like in that Sandra Bullock movie, then everything would have been just fine. They would probably be formulating cures for HIV and AIDS as we speak, but alas it appears that the white man is hellbent on keeping them down.

From a negronomological perspective, 'Janzen' is extremely disappointing, seeming to be little more than a jazzed-up version of 'Janson' or some such similar pre-existing name. As such, it merits only a 3.0 on the Negronometer.

'Nu'keese', on the other hand, is what we here in the negronomology faculty at NU call 'black gold'. You simply can't beat a name like 'Nu'keese', unless your name is something like 'Zsvontario'. It ticks all the boxes...superfluous apostrophe and all.
'Nu'keese' is getting an 8.5 on the Negronometer.

RODTRAVIS DONTA & REXDRIQUEZ CORTEZ

2009-10-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

Rodtravis

Rexdriquez

SOURCE(via Chicago Avenger at Chimpout)

"Rodtravis" strikes me as another "covering all the babbydaddy bases" name. If this trend isn't stamped out soon, we will see Negronomes the length of telephone directories...think about those sows that go on Maury and have to test 20 guys (all of whom they are '250,000% sure' is da babbydaddy), and imagine poor Maury having to try and remember the name of their spawn when it's called "LaTreshawnomarionunezsvontariovarianookiedawgthatguyifuckedatdamariospartylastweekeyonte".

The again, maybe they couldn't decide between the two names and decided to conjoin them, rather than having one or both as a middle name, as that would be too logical.
Instead, he got "Donta" as a middle name.

"Rodtravis" gets a 5.0 on the Negronometer...it's just too perfunctory and obvious.

"Rexdriquez", on the other hand, is a Scrabble player's dream. What kind of a score could you get for that (if it was in fact a real word)? The middle name of "Cortez" leads me to believe "Rexdriquez"'s momma had eaten Mexican food shortly prior to his birth (possibly as an aid to passing him?) and this was thus reflected in his name. If we can just find a Negress called "LaTacoBelle Jefferson" or some such, I feel my theory will have been partially proven.

I'm giving "Rexdriquez" a 5.5, just for the inherent stupidity value.

JAKARIS, AVION & MASTERSON

2009-10-14T02:53:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

'Jakaris' just gone and got himself a lifetime full-ride scholarship to NU, majoring in Applied Negritude. He's going to 'held back a year' every year, for the rest of his life, until he is made 'good'.

I'm not a mathematician or economics buff, but surely it would be cheaper just to have Jakaris and his pals made 'good' straight away?

'Jakaris' can have a 5.5 on the Negronometer. It does the job, but not much more.

'Avion' is French for 'Aeroplane', which is ironic, because 'Avion' himself sung like a bird and got his homies those all-important NU scholarships. Seems like he was more interested in walking than flying, and thus embraced the stoolie mantra 'those who talk, walk'.

'Avion' gets a 5.5 too...the addition of a D or L with an apostrophe could have made all the difference.

Finally, we have 'Masterson', who be da 'babydaddy' of one of these fine young NU freshman. Reading his testimony to the court, one gains a startling new insight into the 'absent negro father' phenomenon and the logic behind it.

'Masterson' asserts he left his kids because he was doing crack cocaine at the time and didn't want them to be around him (cynics may suggest it was in fact the exact opposite...he just didn't want to be around them) or be a bad influece on them.

It's an interesting sociological hypothesis...deprived of a Negro role model from which to learn behaviors from, will Negroes be more or less inclined to Negritude or 'TNB'?

Well, if you believe that taking a baby fox away from parental influence and putting it in a hen house will result in it clucking, pecking grain and laying eggs, then yes.

If, on the other hand, you believe the fox will revert to type and you will have a whole bunch of dead chickens, then the answer is a resounding 'No!'.

Unfortunately, despite ample evidence to the contrary, the 'Masterson Poindexter Theory' is still embraced by various liberals around the globe.

'Masterson' gets a 6.5 on the Negronometer. It's not a particular outstanding example, but the fact that his name is attached to one of the key theorems of Negronomology makes it significant.

MIKKA SHARDAI

2009-10-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

Mikka tried to steal a ball from a wheelchair-bound disabled kid 10 years her junior, but when her demands of 'Gibs me dat!' were met with resistance, she resorted to violence, striking the kid on his surgically-attached neck halo and causing him immense pain.

You try and understand the thought process behind such an act, and then you realise that there is no thought process. It's just TNB.

You really can't make stuff like this up. Beating up kids in wheelchairs. That ball must have been totally worth it.

Here's hoping she gets a full-ride scholarship to NU.

Mikka gets a 4.0 on the Negronometer simply because it's kind of bland. It doesn't have the sort of 'out there' quality that the best Negronoms have in spades, no pun intended.

By the way, is it just me, or does she totally look like Ice Cube sans facial hair?

KEYON and KANYE

2009-09-17T02:10:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

Wow, what a week. Not only does the Negronomicon get to make our first ever entry under 'K', but we get a double-banger with two noteworthy Negronoms beginning with 'K' popping up within days of each other!

First up is "Keyon", whose not so much a career criminal (if my studies in the field of Negronomology have taught me anything, it's that careers and Negronomenclature don't mix) as he is a serial screw-up.

Being out on parole, you'd think "Keyon" would want to play it cool and keep a low profile, stay out of trouble, stuff like that, but alas he was unable to resist the temptation to shoot a 5 year old little girl in the face. Stuff like that tends to get picked up on by the authorities, apparently.

Good luck to his attorney, but I really think he's going to be spitting in the wind on this one.

His full name is an anagram of "I'm Monkey Snot", by the way, which is appropriate on so many levels that it is uncanny.

As it is, "Keyon" is getting a 5.5 on the Negronometer, purely because it's a pretty average Negronome when all is said and done but I have to give him a bonus point for the anagram value alone.

Next up is "Kanye". I'd call "Kanye" a complete and utter tool, but that would be untrue as tools actually serve some useful purpose. As you may have guessed, "Kanye" is a huge fan of the movie "Alien Nation".

Oddly enough, Viacom have pulled both his most recent display of idiocy with Taylor Swift AND his previous interruption of the EMAs in Denmark off of Youtube. Why don't they want the world to see what a moron "Kanye" is? Why are they protecting him?

"Gibs Me Dat!"

Fortunately, they don't own the copyright to THIS footage from the EMAs. Enjoy!

Oddly enough, he's never pulled this stunt when a black artist wins an award. Or an artist that would present a physical threat to him. Just on video directors and 19 year old girls. He's straight gangsta, yo!

Actually, on second thoughts, he's just gangsta...I'm not so sure about the straight. The jury has got to be well and truly out on any guy who dates "women" that make Caster Semanya look feminine. Even his name is African-Americanese for "Gay Fish".

I'm going to have to give "Kanye" a 11.0, because we all know how badly he takes losing out to others, even if they are more deserving. Pea-brained twerp probably thinks that 'Magnanimous' is that guy the X-Men are always fighting against.

DEANGELO

2009-09-09T06:24:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

Do I actually need to say anything here? "Deangelo" is a fairly common Negronom, and it's disappointing to see that his mother couldn't be bothered to go the extra mile and 'Pull a LeVar' or add a needless apostrophe.

Still, the picture alone is worth a thousand words, plus the combination of mental retardation (just look at the picture!) and latent homicidal impulses it takes to shoot your baseball coach for benching you all adds up to a healthy 7.0 on the trusty Negronometer.

Just look at that picture. Damn.

STEPHFON

2009-09-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

Imagine if some crazy mad scientist invented a machine that Negronomified pre-existing names. If you put "Stephen" or "Stefan" into this hypothetical "Negronominizer" device, I'm pretty sure "Stephfon" is what would emerge. It's like that movie "The Fly", only with Negronomenclature as opposed to a fly.

As you can see, "Stephfon" wears glasses, which means he's an intellectual brotha, or at least likes to think that he is/appear that way. Sadly, if you read the report, you can see he's hardly rocket scientist material, but instead the sort of material scientists should put into a rocket and shoot off to some faraway planet away from the rest of humanity.

I'm giving "Stephfon" a 6.5 on the Negronometer simply for the pure needlessness of the Negronominalization. You've already got the "F" sound from the preceding "PH", so why add the utterly superfluous "F"? Simple...because you can!

LEGARRETTE

2009-09-04T09:31:00.001-07:00

"LeGarrette" shows all the hallmarks of cutting-edge Negronomographic invention. Take a perfectly good, pre-existing whitebread name like "Garrett", add a superfluous "Le", then "Pull a LeVar" with the arbitrary capitalization, then round it all off by adding a completely needless "E" to the end, just to make it that little bit more distinctive.

It's hard to say exactly what "LeGarette" is African-Americanese for...there are so many things it could apply to, like being a bad loser, being a sucker punching little faggot, or throwing a Category 5 Chimpout at the opposing fans. Or, as was the case with our "LeGarrette", all three at once!

I'm clocking "LeGarrette" at a solid 5.0 on the Negronometer. I had to dock points because his middle name is "Montez".

DEANDRE JAVONT, DEMARCUS ANTWAIN, JIMMON LEEDARRENTE AND LAZARO

2009-08-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Deandre" is your common-or-garden negronomenclature, whereby the adding of a totally superfluous La/Le/Da/De prefix to a pre-existing name gives it that extra little touch of Negronomical creativity, like "Dejohn" or "Latanya". Of course, points must be deducted for the failure to 'pull a LeVar' or add an apostrophe for "DeAndre" or "De'andre".

Still, his momma has made up for this Negronomical faux pas by pulling out a doozy for the middle name with "Javont". "Javont" is one of these totally sui generis Negronomes which has no meaning other than to signify to people reading the newspaper that the owner of said name is African-American.

One thing I will say about "Deandre"...I don't know if he can play bass, but he sure does a passable impression of one! That guy's head must be at least 20% lip!

Deandre gets a 3.5 on the Negronometer.

Much the same can be said for our second contestant "Demarcus", which covers much the same ground as "Deandre". However, "Demarcus" trumps "Deandre" in the middle name stakes as he drops the bomb with "Antwain". It's just like "Antoine", which is often Negronomicized to something like "Antwan" or "Antwon(e)", yet I believe the the pronounciation is probably nearer to "An-twayne". It's clearly a creative masterstroke in the field of Negronomology as we know it.

I'm giving him a 4.5

Both "Demarcus" and "Deandre" pale in comparison to our third contestant, "Jimmon Leedarrente". First off the bat, "Jimmon" is another totally nonsensical negronome just like "Javont". It sounds like one of those stupid "Sh'mon" noises Michael Jackson used to make, back when he was alive. Seriously, grab your balls, but on a sequinned gloved and try it..."Jimmon! Hee-Heee! Ow!".

Again, it's in the middle name where the money is. "Leedarrente". Just pause for a second and ponder the awesome and transcendant negronomicality of this name.

I'm guessing that the "Lee" part isn't intended as a superfluous "Le" with an extra "E" added for creativity, but I could be wrong. My hypothesis, as an avid amateur Negronomologist, is that "Jimmon" was the subject of what's known as "Baby Mama Drama", and his mother decided to err on the side of caution and give him a name that referenced both of the potential babydaddies, namely "Lee" and "Darren". Where the "Te" part comes in, I don't know. Perhaps a third possible babyfather? Or just a trademark Negronomical flourish to give the name that little something extra?

I'll guess we'll never know, and to be honest, I can't say I'm that bothered about finding out.

"Jimmon Leedarrente" is a solid 9.0 on my Negronometer.

Last but not least, we have "Lazaro", the middle name of the poor unforunate victim of the above Negronomically-blessed individuals. "Lazaro" brings to mind the story of "Lazarus", but as far as I am aware, this guy hasn't come back from the dead yet. Indeed, if he did, they'd probably have to release these guys from prison, so it's probably best for society at large that he stays dead and buried.

One dead and a bunch in prison sounds like a fair enough trade to me, but one in prison and a bunch of 'em in the grave would make better fiscal sense in the long term. Funerals are generally cheaper than long-term prison sentences, after all.

DONESSA

2009-08-07T14:44:00.001-07:00

SOURCE

"Donessa" fell foul of the wrath of three scorned mudsharks. They superglued his dick to his belly. That's just asking for the "Nicole Simpson" treatment.

Fortunately, "Donessa" already has a girly-sounding name, so if they have to amputate, he'll be all set.

"Donessa" gets a 3.5 on the Negronometer. Part of me feels sympathy for him, because I know that a girly-man name like "Donessa" is the kind that would attract a lot of teasing at school. Fortunately, the other part of me knows he probably never went to school anyway, so it's a dead issue.

"Donessa" is also a child molester...maybe they glued his dick to his belly to protect local kids? That's what I'd be telling the judge, anyhow...

TRAVARIS

2009-08-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Travaris" is African-Americanese for vehicular homicide.

"Travaris" gets a 5.0 on the Negronometer. As soon as you see the name, you know he's black. That's how we like it.

TYKEZA, MONISHA, TI'ESHIA, OMIR, JAMAIYAH, and TA'MARION

2009-08-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

My God...it's Negronomenclature Nirvana up in this joint!!!

This gets a 10.0 cumulative score...you simply can't top stuff like this.

BOUBACAR and CARNELL

2009-08-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Boubacar" is a proper African name, but it just sounds so funny. I'm giving it a 3.0

"Carnell" is an African-Americanese original, kind of like Negronomicon standout and erstwhile horse buggerer "Rodell". I'm giving "Carnell" a 4.5 for the same reason I gave "Rodell that score.

"Carnell" didn't have sex with a horse. Neither did "Boubacar" (that we know of...I wouldn't put it past either of them, to be honest). However, they did kill some people, so they're off to prison. Oddly enough, it's not going to be a new experience for either of them.

OMARRIAN

2009-08-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Omarrian" is a pretty good one. It's like his folks wanted a traditional North African name like "Omar" but then couldn't resist the urge to "Negronomify" it.

Sadly, like his impulse-control deficient parents before him, it seems "Omarrian" likewise couldn't resist his urges (to murder and rob people), so he's now rotting in jail.

"Omarrian" gets a 4.5 as it just seems a little bit run of the mill in terms of Negronomenclaturic creativity.

TERRIFFIC

2009-08-03T06:05:00.001-07:00

SOURCE

Okay, I'm stretching the rules here because "Terriffic" is his middle name, but what a great middle name it is.

Even better, they couldn't even spell it correctly!

"Terriffic" gets a 5.0 because it's not outlandishly creative, but it is incredibly stupid.

HASSIAN

2009-08-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Hassian" AKA "Hassan Shakur" went out in a hail of bullets just like that other "Shakur" guy.

The fact that "Hassian" sought to Islamicize his name tells me he wasn't down with what The Negronomicon stands for. Having said that, at least The Negronomicon is still standing, and indeed still able to stand. "Hassian" isn't doing too well on that front, apparently.

"Hassian" gets a 1.5 on the Negronometer.

SENECA

2009-08-03T02:34:00.001-07:00

SOURCE

"Seneca" is apparently Native American in origin, but it was also the name of Roman Emperor Nero's tutor, around the time Christ walked the Earth. Now it's an African-American name too.

It's kind of ironic, not to mention downright spooky, that "Seneca" is off to jail because he murdered a lady who was Indian (dots not feathers...a tenuous connection, I know, but stick with it!), and did so by stabbing her in the back multiple times, which is the same way Roman Emperor Caesar got punked out. It seems those who skip history are doomed to repeat it...sort of.

"Seneca" is getting a 0.0 on the Negronometer because two cultures had already beaten his parents to it, and thus it's hardly a very inventive name. Plus stabbing a middle-aged woman in the back must be the ultimate bitch move.

From a purely Negronomological perspective, it's interesting to chart this new trend in Latin/Roman influenced names, what with "Seneca" here and previous Negronomicon standout "Octavius". How soon before I am writing an entry in The Big Black Book for someone called "D'Cimus Maxxximus"?

ZSVONTARIO

2009-08-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Zsvontario" is going to take some beating. It is quite possibly one of the most outstanding examples of negronomenclature I have ever witnessed and indeed shall ever witness. Simply breathtaking. He may very well be the only "Zsvontario" walking the face of the Earth. I can't believe two different sets of parents could come up with a name like that, not even in an infinite-monkeys-with-typewriters hypothetical scenario. It is nothing short of incredible.

Had he not copped a 45 year sentence for fatally shooting someone, we might never have heard of him. Such are the margins.

"Zsvontario" is getting a 9.5, 0.5 deducted because "Ontario" is a pre-existing name, but the addition of "Zsv" certainly puts a whole new spin on it. Had his parents just gone with a "La/Da" prefix, I truly believe this one could have gone off the scale.

Take note, people...this is how it's done for real. Now, who's going to name their child "Da'Montrealius"?

TELIA, SHARDAE, and SHOLONDA

2009-08-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

This is the ELEVENTH guy they paternity tested to find out 'who beez ma baby daddy?'.

When you stop to think about it, it's pretty easy for the person in the street to figure out the rough date of conception to within a couple of days or so either side (let's be generous and say a week in total). Which then beggars the question as to exactly how many guys she was having unprotected sex with within that timeframe for there to be this many possible fathers?

"Telia" gets a 5.5 because she's a stank ho but she gave her babydaddy-less baby the pleasingly negronomical name "Shardae"

Of course, as shocking as this may seem, they have had a ho on the Maury show who tested 17 different guys.

Again, if 17 failed the test, that means she slept with at least 18 guys within the timeframe. "Sholonda" must have been banging multiple guys on the same day!

"Sholonda" gets a 4.0 because she named her babydaddy-less baby 'Kayla', which is far too mundane. Perhaps she thought a less negronomical name might help to prevent her her daughter from making the same mistakes she made? I sincerely doubt it...if you're that much of a failure as a human being, then it stands to reason you're not going to be much of a parent either.

CORTEZ

2009-08-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Cortez" comes from Spanish (meaning it's another lame cop-out name like Antonio, Ricardo I and Ricardo II) and can mean either 'courteous' or 'court dweller'.

Something tells me our "Cortez" is the latter type. After he gets done dwelling at the court, he'll then go on and dwell at the nearest jail for a few decades.

"Cortez" gets a flat out 0.0 on the negronometer. Stealing Spanish names hardly requires any skill, finesse or creativity, does it?

OCTAVIUS

2009-08-02T15:37:00.001-07:00

SOURCE

"Octavius" originates from Latin and means "the eighth". I kind of get the feeling that "Octavius" would have been buying an eighth (of an ounce) of something improper had he succeeded in his nefarious scheme.

Sadly, he got capped by the homeowner.

You have to wonder whether "Octavius" really has (at least) 7 other siblings, or whether his parents gave him the name "Octavius" because, like the Crazy 88 in 'Kill Bill' (who don't actually have 88 members), they thought it sounded 'cool'. You know, like a conquering Roman emperor and all that.

Indeed, if he does have 7 siblings, what are the odds they all share the same father? Slim to none would be my guess!

I'm giving "Octavius" a 1.25, as something like "Octavion" would have been so much cooler, plus on a 10 point scale, 1.25 is an eighth. How's that for appropriateness?

DAUNTE

2009-07-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

It is absolutely spooky, I tell you!

After examining the previous sad cases of Dionta and Deonte, and arriving at my universal theory and formula for automobile-related negroid larceny, I now bring you the sad story of "Daunte", another name from the exact same genus as both Dionta and Deonte.

Let us examine the facts:

1) Negro. Check
2) Name variation. Check
3) Automobile related (Car park). Check
4) Criminal shenanigans (The Police already had a mugshot of him). Check
5) Morgue or Jail (Morgue). Check

Again, my formula has been proven to be 100% correct. It's nothing short of uncanny!

Remember: n(d)+c+a=FAIL
(n=negro, d=deontay or variation thereof, c=criminal activity, a=automobile, FAIL=death or incarceration)

"Daunte" gets a 5.0 just for proving my theory. Who's next?

ARSSEI

2009-07-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Arssei" has extenuating circumstances for his name...he actually is from Africa (Ethiopia, to be precise). Man, I bet Bob Geldof is feeling so proud right now. If it wasn't for Live Aid, "Arssei" might have died from malnutrition or disease before he ever got the chance to come to a civilized country and murder a white girl.

Sadly, he didn't have any extenuating circumstances to explain away the murder of Natalie Novak, and thus another brother is condemned to rot in jail.

I blame whitey.

"Arssei" gets a 0.0 because murdering white women isn't cool. Keep him in mind next time they're rattling the collection tin for starving Africans.

ARMANI

2009-07-31T04:11:00.000-07:00

Maury Povich paternity test shows provide a rch and diverse source of non-traditional negro nomenclature (or "NNN" as we call it here at The Negronomicon), so much so that at certain times it is like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Armani" is getting a flat out 0.0 score, simply because it accurately reflects the time and effort that went into naming him. "Armani"(and sound-alike variations thereof) seems to be a popular choice with the kind of bottom-feeders who inevitably end up on these shows. How long until one of them breaks the mold and calls their kid "Vuitton"?

LATARIAN and VIKKITA

2009-07-31T03:37:00.000-07:00

Strike One:

Strike Two:

Strike Three:

Strike Four:

It's a bonafide twofer here with two members of the same family. "Vikkita" sounds like a combination of "Vikki"(a shortened form of "Victoria"), which is Latin for "Victory" and "Nikita", which originates from the Greek language and means "Unconquered".

Sadly, it seems the unconquered and victorious "Vikkita" was thoroughly defeated and conquered by her seven year old grandson "Latarian", because she stood in the way of him and the negro ambrosia, A.K.A. fried chicken.

"Latarian" doesn't sound like anything else, except maybe a Toyota coupe that never made it off the drawing board. For a seven year old, young "Latarian" is racking up an impressive record...grand theft auto, assault, psychological evaluations. Lord help us if he ever manages to lay his chubby little hands on a working firearm.

I'm going to give them a cumulative score of 10.0 between them, as this is exactly the sort of thing The Negronomicon was set up to study

RICARDO II: NEGRO BOOGALOO

2009-07-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

Another negro called "Ricardo", and another one that's off to jail. What an incredible coincidence!

If you look carefully at the above picture, you can see that "Ricardo" is wearing a glove to handle the firearm and thus leave no fingerprints, so there's absolutely no way for the police to connect him to the firearm.

Other than the photo which clearly shows both a) him handling the firearm and b) his face, that is.

It's like one of those '/fail' or 'Demotivators' pictures that are doing the rounds, only it needs no caption to explain the inherent irony and outright stupidity contained therein.

Again, just like the previous "Ricardo", this one's getting a 0.0 too.

DEONTE

2009-07-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

SOURCE

"Deonte" is from the same genus of names as earlier Negronomicon standout "Dionta".

From reading the sad, sad stories of these two fine upstanding gentlemen, a pattern has become apparent which I have boiled down into this handy formula:

Negroes called "Deonte"(or variations of the name thereof) + criminal activity + automobiles = One way ticket to the County Morgue/Jail.

or:

N(D) + C + A = FAIL

So remember, if some guy called Diontae offers you a ride, just say "NO!"

I'm giving "Deonte" a 0.5, although I should point out that I have deducted points for the fact that a) he carjacked a 91 year old b) he had to hit said 91 year old 21 times c) he's crying like a little girl about how scared he is in prison.

In terms of gangsta street cred, struggling to physically dominate a frail nonagenarian must score some serious rep. Not.

Credit where credit is due though, "Deonte" must have seriously rung that old guy's bell, because in the video you can see he is still clearly suffering from the effects of the beating, at one point becoming delusional and suggesting (as if it were somehow a remotely realistic possibility) that "Deonte" go to school, get a job, learn a trade and 'work for a living'. I've seen people tripping balls on LSD spew out acid-addled gibberish that still made more sense than what he's saying.

Negroes. School. Jobs. Work?! Utter madness, I tell you!

Quite clearly, "Deonte" is African-Americanese for "limp-wristed little pussy". One thing is for sure, he'll make a handsome wife or "prison bitch" for some lucky man...or men. Perhaps other inmates, having heard of his less-than-legendary prowess, will be curious as to whether he will be able to "make the old man go down" in 21 blows or less? Something tells me our boy is going to get ample opportunity to find out!